7 More days! Obstacles accepted. Day 84.

7 more days till Calgary! and I still have a few, what I think are major obstacles.

But first, what have I been up to at the gym someone asked me. So here it is... and I think it might be a little more extensive lately mainly because I LOVE Chocolate and it has been making me feel guilty. So here is my daily schedule (ish - there are variations of course), that has had two noticeable affects:

* Been able to walk a little faster, longer, and go longer distances and having more resistance and longer sets on cardio machines (elitpical, stairmaster, bike); and

* Muscle gain in the core and bulking in the shoulder/bicep area.

Work out:

11 AM with my secretary (Anne Dizzle as we like to call her)

* Approximately 4.5 km at a brisk pace at the track with some serious Mash-Up DS remixes - I get into a serious thought wave at this time and it makes me excited for the adventures I have coming up and the things in my life that are going on, so for me this is my mental work out as well.

GYM between 4 and 6 PM daily

* 3 sets at 10 mins each on the Elyptical (125 calories burnt each set) - level 5 intervals

* 3 sets of 30 vertical leg raises in between elliptical intervals (total 90) on... for lack of the name:

* New found love of the horizontal leg press: 3 sets of 15 reps with 80 LBs

* 3 Sets of 15 tricep pull-downs at 60 LBs

* 3 Sets at 50 pounds wide arm Lat pull

* 3 Sets of 15 rep 105 LB Shoulder Shrugs (another favourite, easy, feels good, and bulks the shoulders).

* 3 sets of 21 reps with 15 pounds - barbell bicep variations

* 3 Sets of dead man variations with 12 reps each with two 12 lb weights (moving up to 15 lbs today as 12 is a little sinchy as of yesterday)

CORE work out

* 45 seconds plank hold

* 45 seconds of sliders

* 23 seconds right side plank

* 23 seconds left side plank

* 45 seconds reverse crunches

* 45 seconds flutter kicks

* 45 seconds side to side obliques

* 45 seconds leg raises and

* 45 seconds abdominal crunches.

Now, the real challenge X2.

First weekend of riding at Powder King this weekend, starting with a BBQ night at some our best buds place in Hudson Hope with a sleepover. My buddy Brent is even coming. Sleepover in a new house... with a bunch of overgrown kids, eating fresh shot venison. What goes best with this? BEER *sighs. Then, off to the hill tomorrow to meet up with my beautiful friends from Dawson and ride some not so great riding conditions, but with tonnes of laughs, fun, and a moustache party at the hill pub. To me... that is slightly risky. I already have friends egging me on. Bring on, yet another challenge.

Snowboarding without beer.... in the mountains. * Shakes head in Canadian shame. Almost there...

If you want to have your cake, and eat it too... I suggest this exercise routine. Although my diet is mainly homemade heaven... I lean on my chocolate HARD. No woman should ever have to go without chocolate. If your not gonna do wine.. at least do the chocolate ;)

6 days till baring it all, 7 days till Calgary, 15 days until a 4 month hiatus begins.

double timing until the christmas party craziness

For some people, not having a single drop of alcohol for weeks or months is such a simple thing. But around these parts... surrounded by us fun socialites that like to have a drink once and a while, even just 250 ml of wine after a bogus day at work... is not so easy! especially when I have a had my side kick Pam G over for a hottub and working on my car, donde es la cerveza amigos?! But that being said, I am successfully on day 19 without a single ounce. Day 30 being the day of our big Christmas Party in Calgary!

 

11 more days till the party is on!

 

So until then, alcohol free, I have decided to also semi-double up the exercise intake. Going to the walking with my co worker at lunch and walking 4.0 km, then hitting the gym after work. The gym I can some times giver with some cardio in the beginning and halfway through, with usually a fairly large core work out and then weights split between arms and legs. And other times I will just go and do light cardio and a 10 minute core work out. So... it's not like I am being a turbo and just going hard every day with no recovery. I assure you that is not the case. Double timing my way until the partayyy!

 

Why are we so excited and all aloud to let loose?! Well, we are 6 strong in Fort St. John in our little office, but like all other enviro companies our parent office is in Calgary, so once a year our awesome bosses hook us and our beautiful dates up with airfare to spend three days and two nights in the Hyatt Regency downtown... Snazzy huh? So far... many a people have tried to follow in my co worker and I's footsteps of not having any alcohol (she is at day 30 right now), and you know what...I have persistently been asked if I was an alcoholic since I have found it hard not to have a single drop of alcohol for 19 days...(which i wasn't by the way), but you know what.... WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO HAVE PERSISTED in this, no one else has been able to do it... so what does that say? I think it just says, that people like to have a fricken drink once and a while, and no Andrea (a single beautiful mom working full time) and I (not single but without man and hard working) are not alcoholics. Try it, if you are a normal socialble kinda person, its not that easy. That being said... my boyfriend actually... finds it stupid easy. I started dating him in July.. and he was on "dry July" and was no problem, then now in November, he was like OK Ill do it with you I don't care - if it will help you... no problem again. Amazing that one is. So I lied, there is 3 of us.. but i cant keep an eye on my man friend, but he is not much of a fibber so I will take his word.

Lets hope this year my date actually shows up, which I know he will... A) hes not a pipeliner and B) hes an amazing boyfriend whose just as stoked to see me as I am to see him! Last year... I cant say the same for my previous dating catastrophe. Everyones super excited to meet the mysterious man named Konstantin. Its turning into quite a joke with the girls in Calgary - I think his name is sexy (Kostya for short), as it just as fitting; they re expecting some kind of biblical or greek god to show up... or a seasoned doctor who writes encyclopedias.

All these things drive me to try to make my body feel better. To feel good AND look good for multiple reasons. I am going to go hard (and hopefully continue on) until my xmas party where I finally get to let loose and have some amazing food and wine - pre party night downtown Calgary will foreshadow how the xmas party goes. Lets hope the FSJ ers don't show there true party side and our bosses think we are just loose cannons lol! They would not be so far off I suppose...

Oh yah... I am starting the wilrose cleanse as well... which is a 12 day cleanse (perfect timing eh)... but I only have half a kit (long story), so I will be following the diet all the way through, and the kit only for 6 days. The diet is really the most important anyways so take that how you will. Its just another small challenge on the list. Small but tough. The finish line is almost here, then many more finish lines to come.

The end result is all the same, to kick a potentially life saving or life threatening surgery IN THE ASS and feel good all the way up until that day.. and many years after.

Life's too short, I am going to keep making goals and challenges, it's keeping me occupied, interested and happy :)

Kicking Ass and Taking Names... after a 3 week hiatus..

Game on... blogging back to full swing until the holidays. Things are coming down to the grind before holidays and life has been a little hectic and a little slack. For 3 Full weeks I failed on the Gluten. F*CK! But I am back on... it all started with a trip to Vancouver and a wonnnnnnderful visit with a little known hottie surfer bum to all points south.

I let it all hang out, and not really in a bad way... but we had 2.50$ bottles of wine from Trader Joes in Oregon (whhhaaaat!?!), yummy awesome chocolate from his parents in vancouver, kostya's secret amazing oatmeal/banana/i dont know what paradice pan cakes! A huge turkey dinner with his beautiful family, BURGERS AND FRIES in the U.S of A. (of course)!, and insanely delicious seafood dinner at a neat little nook by Port Angeles, way too much coffee and Carolans and cheese on everything (score!!). WHEW! But we exercised (to wink or not to wink - mom its true sorrrrry), did some hiking around and some biking and kept moving.

He keeps me moving :D Tests my cardio level for sure, sometimes I really dont think he understands what 50 % oxygen levels mean but i always feel so good after, and it continues to keep me motivated to move when I think of my partner and his active lifestyle. Unfortunately I squeezed out of him that it is actually a drag sometimes that i cant really breathe that well because im not so inclined to participate in his outdoors ideas. To be honest It did hurt my feelings a little bit when I asked if it sucked sometimes because it is nothing i can help without surgery as I am doing all that I can, but he has never made me feel like I am slower or can't do as much or is waiting on me, he would have never said anything if I did not ask him, he is a super honest, blunt human being... who I think would just rather run out the race gate together, participate in the same things and see beautiful sites as a team rather then leave me completely behind and solely participate with all others all the time when I can't join, which I appreciate.

SO... We had fun.. and I was able to do it all with him on this trip to van, the states and victoria. Adventurous soul this man is who keeps my drive high, and consistently pleasantly surprising me with some of his plans, goals, expressions and overall lifestyle.

Somewhere near Sea Side in Oregon 

A Perfect photo of what a "hiatus from a healthy lifestyle stands for" The Mahoney in Victoria... NO I did not finish that and NO I did not have any idea what was coming to my plate :P

So, anyways this trend of laxsy dazy eat whatever you want and "Schmeh" on the excercise kept up for a few weeks. But once I saw the scale move up 3 pounds 11 days ago i said ugh ugh. I find to keep myself motivated I need some serious goals, and to switch them up a lot. SO... since our Christmas Party in Calgary is on December 6th (also the first time ill see surfer dude since October 20th), I decided on November 6th not to have a single drop of alcohol. 11 days later, still no alcohol. I tried to pull some other friends on the train with me, and I am proud to say I am the only one to stay on the wagon however, I think I am the only one who cares. I simply want to prove to myself I can do it. AND get back to the gym every second day at least and choose those healthier eating habits again.

Gluten I just cut out again after my little break and I am glad. I did notice a big difference in... well... H2S. I proved it, I have a gluten sensitivity for SURE. I introduced it back in and my belly did not like it, not in the amount i was cheating on anyways. So a little here and there is OK, but not a lot. I started hitting the gym again hard!! Found out I am addicted to Core Exercising and I am seeing a difference.  I hope to show the difference before the Xmas Party. I must say, not a SINGLE drop of alcohol is hard, I mean, in moderation no problem... not a single drop tho? BUNK. I am doing it tho... damnit.

Other health things on the agenda, Ultrasound back of the breastesses, loooookin good the doc says, SCORE! everyones happy when your boobs are happy. haha.

After a long discussion today with god mother numero uno who has always been a babe in my books, like i mean SEXY BEAST in some barbadoes photos, and a beautiful woman still today at the age of... I think... 51? I started using My Fitness Pal for all that its worth. I was only using it previously for excericses because there is an encyclopedia of them on there, but after talking with Cody I decided to start tracking food to see where your nutrients or non-nutrients are coming from and what you are lacking or getting to much of. My G mom has been doing this since may and she lost 15 pounds! Only 1.5 pounds a month... nothing to crazy, but time flies, and now shes looking fit and amazing. You should check it out! If you are looking to excercise properly, it has that, you want to see where your calories come from, it has that, want to just check up on a food and its nutritional value, it has that.... how about making an excercise or weightloss goal? it has that too. I just started today, and I am a little surprised that the substance that had the most sugar in it today was my Bolthouse Green Goddess Smoothie. W.T.F. mate, and with a few other little things my sugar intake is BLOWN, sometime I am stoked I saw and a super easy thing to kind of switch around where your sugar is coming from just so I am not exceeding. I am still always going to love chocolate, and Bolthouse... but it is making it in the right portion, and then taking something else out of your diet that day that may have high sugar as well.

I think its fun... try it :) Maybe you'll like it. 

I have some serious sewing to do, and a car to fix... on top of organizing my life to Vancouver, Thunder Bay, Toronto/Peterborough, Ottawa, then Guate, El Salvador, Nicaragua and Costa Rica.. therefore like i said in the beginning I will try to keep you posted by only making "Interesting posts" instead of every single day holly drama schizophrenic, exciting, crazy, get your heart up stress, happiness and chaotic blips. 

I am going to try to push the gym and diet hard before the party, a few photos will hopefully show what I have been up to next time :) Until then... out into the 6 inches of fresh snow winter wonderland we go :)

PLUR.

Winning the battle :) Day 34.

Ok so I am a day late again, but this time even better reason. I caught the local flu, its not a horrendous one but i would equate it to mono in the amount of tiredness it has given me. 100% sloth like... but that kind of comes up in the following regurgitating of life happenings :)

I read the last long one I wrote and I was up in arms about my surgeon telling me... ya, you have to do this. Sooo... heart surgery it is again... I had so many questions and so many worries, by asking the right questions I learned some really good things, and of course some risky ones that I would like to share :) In the end I think this whole entry is positive so I will start there and gradually get more positive :) Finally huh?

So yah terrified and a little heart stricken my doctor told me I should go for surgery. To recap, I have a blocked left lung with solid stone blood clots that have been there since 7 weeks after my first surgery which was 3.5 years ago now (fuck... time flies). Why they came back after having a world renown surgeon completely remove them? Basically first reason.. because I suck. and the other reasons that are possible no one is really to sure, but it could be A) since my blood likes to clots, its possible from being lethargic after surgery my body built one SO fast in my legs while trying to get my blood regulated that it shot straight up to the honey hole, at that time i didnt have an IVC filter, which I have now (prevents clots from going into your vital organs from your legs), B) my blood thinning meds were a f**ck up (which I have always thought), or C) they formed in situ.... which is wild as it is something that has rarely been seen and again D) because im just unlucky! :) Why I re-capped....

Im totally terrified that would happen again, go through this big hurrah and have this all come back and have been sawed open one more time for nothing. So I asked... what are the chances. Well there is no number because I am so unique but there is a less likely chance of re-clotting as I do now have the filter and this time around an even MORE elite team of Haematologists will be at my bed side dictating my blood thinning and carefully watching me. Put it this way, i get Canada's best.... because whoever figures me out... CHA CHING (prolly not true, but thats how my family and I look at it lol). So there is one. That one is actually my biggest fear. BIGGEST. I think it would have an effect on my mental health this time around if that happened again and I am in a damn happy place right now so no... we don't want that.

Another thing was the CT scanning I have to go through, I am so terrified of cancer, I wish I wasn't.... but I am, well a little less now maybe. I have had 15 CT scans... I would probably have at least... 4 more for the surgery or around that time. One before, one immediately after, one for follow-up. So I brought this concern up. Keep in mind I'm one of the cases that actually needs these CT scans, I have never had a USELESS one like people have been complaining about in the news, aka how the states CT scan people when they have a cough, without my scans I would have died long ago. When I brought this up with the cardiologist two weeks ago via tele health, he said... I know you are scared, no one likes seeing nuclear medicine being shot directly into their vein, but... you went to Costa Rica last year right? right. And you flew home for Christmas? on three flights all together? then toronto? then El Salvador? Then Costa Rica? Then to Vancouver? Then to Fort St. John? Each one of those flights has given you more radiation then a single CT scan. There are people who fly for work everyday, think of it that way and maybe that could help. YEP! Helppeeed. And I am shocked. I could write a whole shwack about that too... but I am not now. So ok, I am OK with that now.

Last concern, but not really a big one to me, what are the chances of survival? He couldn't give me an answer :( There is no number... not for me. It is riskier because it is a repeat surgery and also things are solid in there now, they aren't mucous like clots anymore... they are more like stones. There is a chance of failure. But because I am young and otherwise healthy and I am in a good position right now the chances are really high-ish. Higher than someone unhealthy and more aged. But lets face it... I don't have to live with that, no pun intended. But... the benefits outweigh these what if worries.

The great answers :) Benefits of surgery, a clean lung, a clean slate, no more chances of developing pulmonary hypertension, not gradually decreasing my QOL every year with heart strain and failure risk, I can run and play soccer again, rip up the mountains harder with the powder king crew, surf with Kostya and hike Macchu Pichu. Now I have already changed my lifestyle... so by no means with a clean slate will I think it is OK to go back to university year ways, or the last couple. I am feeling AMAZING right now, besides the obvious, so if this works out... I am going to be a king. And I will treat my body better then anyone could ever treat their body. I am glad I am getting a head start ! I am already running the marathon to a healthier life :)

So goood :) Baby bok choy with yam and home made pico de gallo :)

Long story only a little longer, I am going to go through with it. Within the next six months. I need some counselling and time with friends and family to decide when the best time is... It might be the first week of march. Enough time to go to that spiritual place and have it set in my mind that I am a super hero and this is all for myself, friends,  family and a beautiful life, with kids one day, and running along side dogs... and all the sappy things you can think of. whew!

So I have been keeping pretty strict about the gluten, but everyone has their cheats. I can fully say my cheats have mainly been around other people because hey, you just have too. Still staying good with the alcohol though. I had two glasses on Sons of Anarchy night, the girls and I went out to the NEw Frontier 2 weeks ago and indulged, and we even went to Edmonton this weekend to get some winter shopping done, and instead of drinking, I got food poisoning from asian food in the mall (first time ever tho) which eventually led to the flu, which is probably because my immune system was down. But I think I have done good because besides a common cold, and a mutant blood type, I have not actually been sick in 2 or 3 years. Thank you immune system for being one of the most awesome parts of my body throughout my life time. Point... Holly.

With a few cheats and an otherwise amazing diet situation. I have hit the gym pretty hard. I have now formed a habit. Definition is slowly coming and I enjoy working out and know my limits. With more exercise comes WAY more food too. I don't stop eating now, my metabolism has hit into high gear. I have lost a chunk of chub too. About a 5 pound one in one month.

I dont hover over that thing I promise, but It is nice to see when you take out the garbage, the garbage on you disappears too. And if you work you muscles.... they start to play peek-a-boo. Being sick the last couple days has put a dent in me getting exercise and now I know I am addicted because I am sad about it :( But I also know my body needs TLC, so I have been having some hot totties (the healthy kind), steam baths at the pool, drinking more water, getting probably too much sleep and hanging with the mutts. Even though I am sloth right. I am happy :) I have been talking to my family, keeping in touch with some old friends (although I am sad to say there are two I REALLY need to get in touch with or they will disown me, you know who you are and I am sorry), reading after the gym and basically have been... relaxed.

So tomorrow I hope I feel better and I would love to do some light exercising with some friends, and keep chill-axing for the next few days. Work is going well too so I hope I can keep my head up tomorrow and keep the good work ethic rolling. Then.. off to the lower mainland / island!! Which I am super excited for. Kostya has something up his sleeve... sounds like we will be be in Portland, Oregon at some point and the ocean side... along with an amazing thanks giving dinner this weekend. That is a whole other entry to write about!! So I will leave that until I get back. I think I will write one more entry before I leave on Saturday and focus it on exercises  to share with you :)

Thanks for keeping me motivated... you help. Whoever you are.

18 days later! To wait one more day ;) Day 32 she be.

Wow its already been 18 days! Clearly my life has been busy and chaotic! Theres been a lot of highs to talk to about, but after a weekend in Edmonton and a hard work out after work today... and JUST setting up my new macbook as of 10 minutes ago, I am absolutely shattered and its only 8:45 PM... so I will write tomorrow. An interesting one I hope :) I will document a few things through out the day too :)

I hope just getting  a new computer... working my bum off... having a crazy fast and busy weekend in Alberta... and any other excuse I can muster will rival.... Tardiness ;) I will write tomorrow. I have no excuse as the gym is not in the cards mañana, and... it is only Sons of Anarchy night... with tea (old lady here...but a badass fake dream biker old lady).

WHEW! Beam me up Scotty :)

Day 14: The mind builds the body, the body dictates your future..

10 Days later. I feel relieved I am finally going to spill out some serious emotional garbage and treasures to the world about some of the insane and rapid happiness and body changes that have already happened.... along with some dark, depressing, shit kicking news.

Since I have had this fuel to turn around and keep completely occupied, starting with the mind by constantly keeping my body moving, while eating the healthiest of food... with some exceptions I just cant give up... or live with out I have found, I feel like my life has changed for the better. By taking a lot of garbage out of my diet (garbage to my body , not yours necessarily), like gluten... (although not that gluten is bad for the average healthy person, it just happens to make my body tired, a little more gushier around the waste line and neck, and puts my stomach in an unhappy place), I feel like everything positive has been coming my way, and my energy level through the roof! Its not just gluten though, I have minimized dairy, brick cheese is still number one on my list though, it stays... and it also does not hurt my stomach, so when I have a craving I don't hold back, I have seriously cut down alcohol consumption. By saying that too... I feel like my family thinks I am and have been an alcoholic after reading this. Although sometimes consumption has been more then I would like with work, a lot of the time just being in my mid twenties and going out on the weekends has been a part of it, I don't want them to think I am a gong show... I think the impression is more on the negative side. University was the time of serious alcohol consumption, now when I say I have cut down, I mean I am not having those casual glasses of Bingo any more on a week night. Although.... my co worker and I have been known to put down a bottle here and there. Now It is one cheat night a week with my friends, to feel human and enjoy some company, and just have fun out.

The first noticeable thing was energy level. All lethargia out the window. I have been drinking my moringa, and a Kaisen natural whey protein shake, along with LOADS of new and healthy meals. I have not cut back consumption, I have just been smarter about my choices, you don't need to be a squirrel to cut back, be a dog who wants to always eat, just eat the stuff that fills you up and targets the right things.

The next, was my body. SO FAST, when you take away the fattening things, and reduce your salt ... boom, unnecessary weight gone. If its just sitting there, and its bad fat... then it comes off fast, its not an unhealthy fast if its simply coming off because of reduced salt and wheat and less alcohol... which is my case. I weigh 125 lbs now in the AM, down from 129.  Which I think can only go up from here now that we have developed a mini circuit training routine Victoria and I are getting into, I am pushing her on the bike a bit at the gym, we do arm weights together, breathe together, and stretch together. I have been going more often and have been being a bit more anal, but I push harder and enjoy the pain more with a partner. So it has been good. I was never upset with my body before what soever, but now... I can see positivity beaming from it, the temple has pointy edges here and there lol.

The mind. It has been occupied, and thinking of all these new and interesting things, and feeling empowered. And something strange happened. I shared my empowerment with the man I spent my summer with, and decided that If we try to make a long distance situation work, and we both lead interesting lives... we are summoning hurt somewhere along the way. We would either meet someone else, or one of us would always be waiting for the other. I felt like because I would be stuck up in fort st. john, BC for now (for those of you who don't know its really not that bad, there's amazing music and some good souls and people who are doing well in life, but its not far from the NWT, its fucking cold in the winter, there's tonnes of meat head dudes and did I say its NORTH for those of us from the south), he would always be meeting the next amazing, beautiful and smart gypsy woman on his amazing, gypsy adventures. I didn't want to set myself up for that. Knowing he is a bit of a lone wolf, and travels with the wind. I let him go. I stood up for myself, wore a smile. put on my gym clothes and said... when our paths cross, we'll talk. So I thought...

After bringing all my man power together, the emotions went flying and I have gotten a beautiful taste of how he really felt about me. Maybe all those times people have given you that advice "leave em alone, and they will come back", is true. I decided to be on my way, and then his true feelings came out, and not in any kind of sad, pathetic way, in a realization way that I might be gone, and that maybe.... after being a lone wolf for so long, and never looking into the future, maybe it was time. Maybe my turning a potentially negative situation into a really positive one also opened up his eyes a bit. I am not someone who will let things dictate my life. I am the owner of my life, and I am going to dictate how I feel and where I go, and I think to him... that is beautiful. I think we both realized a lot. And all in a really amazing learning sense. So, we will see, and take things day by day..., there is excitement around the bend and a trip to the island coming up to share some waves together, some hiking, and some beautiful conversations. All is well and I think we all need to take life with the seasons. For the first time, honest, I am learning this. A high strung, antsy, need answers now kinda woman, is finally taking a step back and seeing how things unfold, and I think I have actually opened up a new side of me I did not know existed.

Another positive note. The thing all woman dread at some point. Or at least I would assume any woman who has ever really grabbed their own breast before would think of. There was this large lump on my left breast I had mentioned in a previous entry. Not that you could see, but what you could feel. Its either a cyst, or cancer lump. The thing about cancer is that it kills and you could potentially lose one or both breasts, the thing about cysts is that they can come and go with your monthly cycle, no matter the size. Lucky for me, 3 days after the monster mine felt normal!!! So it is true... doctor's do sometimes know what they are talking about ;) I still have not had the ultrasound, but I don't think cancer shrinks on its own. WINNING!

ANOTHER positive. My house of mutts love me more and more everyday, and I have never been more in love. Look at them!! im so happy right now :D they make my nights (corny? I dunno but theres some serious love in da house).

So, I think im doing great. I think theres some huge things around the corner. Some amazing things currently happening, some good conversations, and I am so happy and in love with my friends who have been in contact. I have a phone meeting actually coming up in 30 mins with my best friend mr. Phillips. Maybe not because of the most positive reasons....

I had a telehealth conference today with my cardiac surgeon in Ottawa. It's been three years since I saw his handsome possibly mid 40's face and quarky to the point and blunt sense of humour. The man that saved my life... So, I STILL have a huge clot in my left lung/ pulmonary artery for those of you who didn't know, it never went away 7 weeks after my first open heart surgery. It just came back in situ, after going through a horrific 9 hour pulmonary thromboendarterectomy in the Ottawa Heart Institute.... I was clot free for 7 weeks. Then, un-beknownst to the cardiac gods, they came back!!! and ever since... I have been blessed with their presence. A major reason of why this whole blog happened. But like I said above, right now im feeling good! I cant breathe like a normal human being, but I can keep up to most... and I have an interesting life. But... I have a risk of developing pulmonary hypertension as I age. A higher risk then most because I am so young and will have MORE years to have a chance to develop it, which means... I could blow out the right side of my heart and treat it for a while, people do live with PH, but eventually, it would most likely lead to heart failure. Even though right now it has been confirmed I have a beautiful healthy heart. That being said... Dr. Reubens did not let me forget "your left lung is useless", right... that old thing. My left lung us completely occluded with blood clots. Its true. I have 54-56% the oxygen capacity of a normal person. The reason why I can even do what I can do is because of exercise, and making my right lung so much stronger. Which it could even be stronger if I tried harder, which I am, right... meow.  People cant even tell some times im kind of handicapped, but most people also don't do recreational activities with me, put a back pack on me and tell me to run one block, and I look like an old lady. Weight bearing excersices... poof, cardio capacity gone. That's why I LOVE weights, I can do them, they don't make me tired, and they make me feel great about myself. I am healthier in other ways, and I have people that love me... BUT.... im going to have kids that love me one day... what if mom doesn't make it passed there 5th, 10th or 15th bday cuz her heart has been so strained?

Well... the doctor said it today, Holly, we need to have another heart surgery. I got punched in the face. I thought I could ignore my aveeage quality of life and possible future heart failure but no.

What I cant get my head wrapped around yet is that it is my decision. Have heart surgery, go through that mental rollercoaster again... have way higher chances of cancer then I already do because I have had 15 CT scans in my life (200 X  a chest x-ray per scan), that's 3000 chest x rays, and will need at least 3-5 more ct scans to go through with the surgery, and possibly have the clots COME BACK again... I feel like my strong mental capacity that I have carried through a whole decade of shit kicking... would not be able to with stand this blow, this time, if I either developed cancer.... or the clots came back. OR... don't go through with the surgery, always have the oxygen capacity of a 40 yr old fat alcoholic, and possibly die in my sleep one day because mom had heart failure.


Im strong.... im a f**cking Watson, who has already escaped the deaths my great aunt and my cousin died of through blood clotting, but im not THAT strong, and I cant make this decision on my own. I also don't want to be a burden on someone for the rest of my life for taking care of me one day.... I don't want to be a mutant anymore, I don't know what to do...

what does the stubborn, know everything all the time, business as usual, sometimes funny, sometimes a bitch, best friend, daughter, unique, strong and weak individual do.

help. I am feeling naked and terrified.

Day 4: Tiredness wins, amazing thoughtful writing to come.

I have so many things to tell you already and it has only been two days! There are some intense changes that are happening, and then some things I have done that I would have never thought I had the power to do....

I cannot get into it now because it is way to much, and I have been going since 6 am and it is now 10:30 and finally the energy train has haulted for the evening, which included two hours of cooking some ridiculous good home grown food... that I would love nothing but to share the yummy recipes with  you...next time, and an arm and ab burner with Vicki that my tiny little tire, is saying WHY! why are you doing this to me, I just wannnnnaaa live, on the underside of your bellybutton lol. I am going into the bush for a few days, and when I get back it will be close to cheat night and I can have a glass of wine and tell you some beautiful, insightful, sad, and happy things... this next three days is a challenge in itself, without the handiness of a kitchen and no junk to lean on, so I did the best I could ;)




on my computer this shows up sideways, but in pic manager it doesn't? so happy neck straining... maybe.. lol.

I promise ill have a good read for you in a few days when I get back from being an Albertan. Until tomorrow morning, I close my the computer lid while this 100 lb Rottweiler is leaning her butt up against me right now, and has no joke farted on me 4 times in the last two minutes. Some things will never change...

favourite two animals, dogs, and men. They both fart, and they both smell horrible. thank god they listen to our commands.... ;)