Since I have had this fuel to turn around and keep completely occupied, starting with the mind by constantly keeping my body moving, while eating the healthiest of food... with some exceptions I just cant give up... or live with out I have found, I feel like my life has changed for the better. By taking a lot of garbage out of my diet (garbage to my body , not yours necessarily), like gluten... (although not that gluten is bad for the average healthy person, it just happens to make my body tired, a little more gushier around the waste line and neck, and puts my stomach in an unhappy place), I feel like everything positive has been coming my way, and my energy level through the roof! Its not just gluten though, I have minimized dairy, brick cheese is still number one on my list though, it stays... and it also does not hurt my stomach, so when I have a craving I don't hold back, I have seriously cut down alcohol consumption. By saying that too... I feel like my family thinks I am and have been an alcoholic after reading this. Although sometimes consumption has been more then I would like with work, a lot of the time just being in my mid twenties and going out on the weekends has been a part of it, I don't want them to think I am a gong show... I think the impression is more on the negative side. University was the time of serious alcohol consumption, now when I say I have cut down, I mean I am not having those casual glasses of Bingo any more on a week night. Although.... my co worker and I have been known to put down a bottle here and there. Now It is one cheat night a week with my friends, to feel human and enjoy some company, and just have fun out.
The first noticeable thing was energy level. All lethargia out the window. I have been drinking my moringa, and a Kaisen natural whey protein shake, along with LOADS of new and healthy meals. I have not cut back consumption, I have just been smarter about my choices, you don't need to be a squirrel to cut back, be a dog who wants to always eat, just eat the stuff that fills you up and targets the right things.
The next, was my body. SO FAST, when you take away the fattening things, and reduce your salt ... boom, unnecessary weight gone. If its just sitting there, and its bad fat... then it comes off fast, its not an unhealthy fast if its simply coming off because of reduced salt and wheat and less alcohol... which is my case. I weigh 125 lbs now in the AM, down from 129. Which I think can only go up from here now that we have developed a mini circuit training routine Victoria and I are getting into, I am pushing her on the bike a bit at the gym, we do arm weights together, breathe together, and stretch together. I have been going more often and have been being a bit more anal, but I push harder and enjoy the pain more with a partner. So it has been good. I was never upset with my body before what soever, but now... I can see positivity beaming from it, the temple has pointy edges here and there lol.
The mind. It has been occupied, and thinking of all these new and interesting things, and feeling empowered. And something strange happened. I shared my empowerment with the man I spent my summer with, and decided that If we try to make a long distance situation work, and we both lead interesting lives... we are summoning hurt somewhere along the way. We would either meet someone else, or one of us would always be waiting for the other. I felt like because I would be stuck up in fort st. john, BC for now (for those of you who don't know its really not that bad, there's amazing music and some good souls and people who are doing well in life, but its not far from the NWT, its fucking cold in the winter, there's tonnes of meat head dudes and did I say its NORTH for those of us from the south), he would always be meeting the next amazing, beautiful and smart gypsy woman on his amazing, gypsy adventures. I didn't want to set myself up for that. Knowing he is a bit of a lone wolf, and travels with the wind. I let him go. I stood up for myself, wore a smile. put on my gym clothes and said... when our paths cross, we'll talk. So I thought...
After bringing all my man power together, the emotions went flying and I have gotten a beautiful taste of how he really felt about me. Maybe all those times people have given you that advice "leave em alone, and they will come back", is true. I decided to be on my way, and then his true feelings came out, and not in any kind of sad, pathetic way, in a realization way that I might be gone, and that maybe.... after being a lone wolf for so long, and never looking into the future, maybe it was time. Maybe my turning a potentially negative situation into a really positive one also opened up his eyes a bit. I am not someone who will let things dictate my life. I am the owner of my life, and I am going to dictate how I feel and where I go, and I think to him... that is beautiful. I think we both realized a lot. And all in a really amazing learning sense. So, we will see, and take things day by day..., there is excitement around the bend and a trip to the island coming up to share some waves together, some hiking, and some beautiful conversations. All is well and I think we all need to take life with the seasons. For the first time, honest, I am learning this. A high strung, antsy, need answers now kinda woman, is finally taking a step back and seeing how things unfold, and I think I have actually opened up a new side of me I did not know existed.
Another positive note. The thing all woman dread at some point. Or at least I would assume any woman who has ever really grabbed their own breast before would think of. There was this large lump on my left breast I had mentioned in a previous entry. Not that you could see, but what you could feel. Its either a cyst, or cancer lump. The thing about cancer is that it kills and you could potentially lose one or both breasts, the thing about cysts is that they can come and go with your monthly cycle, no matter the size. Lucky for me, 3 days after the monster mine felt normal!!! So it is true... doctor's do sometimes know what they are talking about ;) I still have not had the ultrasound, but I don't think cancer shrinks on its own. WINNING!
ANOTHER positive. My house of mutts love me more and more everyday, and I have never been more in love. Look at them!! im so happy right now :D they make my nights (corny? I dunno but theres some serious love in da house).
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So, I think im doing great. I think theres some huge things around the corner. Some amazing things currently happening, some good conversations, and I am so happy and in love with my friends who have been in contact. I have a phone meeting actually coming up in 30 mins with my best friend mr. Phillips. Maybe not because of the most positive reasons....
I had a telehealth conference today with my cardiac surgeon in Ottawa. It's been three years since I saw his handsome possibly mid 40's face and quarky to the point and blunt sense of humour. The man that saved my life... So, I STILL have a huge clot in my left lung/ pulmonary artery for those of you who didn't know, it never went away 7 weeks after my first open heart surgery. It just came back in situ, after going through a horrific 9 hour pulmonary thromboendarterectomy in the Ottawa Heart Institute.... I was clot free for 7 weeks. Then, un-beknownst to the cardiac gods, they came back!!! and ever since... I have been blessed with their presence. A major reason of why this whole blog happened. But like I said above, right now im feeling good! I cant breathe like a normal human being, but I can keep up to most... and I have an interesting life. But... I have a risk of developing pulmonary hypertension as I age. A higher risk then most because I am so young and will have MORE years to have a chance to develop it, which means... I could blow out the right side of my heart and treat it for a while, people do live with PH, but eventually, it would most likely lead to heart failure. Even though right now it has been confirmed I have a beautiful healthy heart. That being said... Dr. Reubens did not let me forget "your left lung is useless", right... that old thing. My left lung us completely occluded with blood clots. Its true. I have 54-56% the oxygen capacity of a normal person. The reason why I can even do what I can do is because of exercise, and making my right lung so much stronger. Which it could even be stronger if I tried harder, which I am, right... meow. People cant even tell some times im kind of handicapped, but most people also don't do recreational activities with me, put a back pack on me and tell me to run one block, and I look like an old lady. Weight bearing excersices... poof, cardio capacity gone. That's why I LOVE weights, I can do them, they don't make me tired, and they make me feel great about myself. I am healthier in other ways, and I have people that love me... BUT.... im going to have kids that love me one day... what if mom doesn't make it passed there 5th, 10th or 15th bday cuz her heart has been so strained?
Well... the doctor said it today, Holly, we need to have another heart surgery. I got punched in the face. I thought I could ignore my aveeage quality of life and possible future heart failure but no.
What I cant get my head wrapped around yet is that it is my decision. Have heart surgery, go through that mental rollercoaster again... have way higher chances of cancer then I already do because I have had 15 CT scans in my life (200 X a chest x-ray per scan), that's 3000 chest x rays, and will need at least 3-5 more ct scans to go through with the surgery, and possibly have the clots COME BACK again... I feel like my strong mental capacity that I have carried through a whole decade of shit kicking... would not be able to with stand this blow, this time, if I either developed cancer.... or the clots came back. OR... don't go through with the surgery, always have the oxygen capacity of a 40 yr old fat alcoholic, and possibly die in my sleep one day because mom had heart failure.
Im strong.... im a f**cking Watson, who has already escaped the deaths my great aunt and my cousin died of through blood clotting, but im not THAT strong, and I cant make this decision on my own. I also don't want to be a burden on someone for the rest of my life for taking care of me one day.... I don't want to be a mutant anymore, I don't know what to do...
what does the stubborn, know everything all the time, business as usual, sometimes funny, sometimes a bitch, best friend, daughter, unique, strong and weak individual do.
help. I am feeling naked and terrified.
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