The point of this whole blog is to document the changes my body and mind will go through, so I can see the transition myself and so others can learn from it if you so choose. By doing this it will help me commit to my evenings because I have to prove to myself - and now other readers that it is possible. What I am about to do, may be nothing to some people - NOTHING, but to me... and my story, it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a young, sporadic, sometimes crazy, lazy, healthy, un-healthy, stubborn intense hard working Capricorn... these things don't come easy. I am a truly motivated person, but after reflection of the last few years and a kick in the ass lately, there is no more sitting and waiting for the day to feel 150%, that day starts tomorrow morning.
Also... this blog... is all honesty. I don't want to hold anything back, and when you are cleansing your mind, there is a LOT OF SH*T to get out of it. Remember, this is a body mind challenge and my mind is FULL of amazing, sad, loving, artistic, deceitful, sexy, horny, lazy, fantastical, energetic, schizophrenic, jealous, smart, jealous, admiring and motivating thoughts. Please don't judge honesty. So why now?
I am a 26 year old female, who has been through a schwackload of mayhem in her life, and a lot of things that some people may even admire or envy, I am a well rounded experienced individual that has lived a roller coaster ride. But like most women, I can be crazy at times and emotional, and think into things to much, but I can be smart and strong and beautiful as well.
When I was a teenager I was athlete of the year, most valuable member of a hockey team, and one of the best soccer goalies in Ontario, scouted out twice for a scholarship that wouldn't be mine for two-three years - didn't care, didn't even get the information of the coach (what?!). All that while suffering through growing up as a teenage girl in a household with an abusive step dad, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, going through the ride of your life with the craziest most dynamic semi-delinquent beautiful friends a girl could ask for. Absolute craziness, sometimes I don't know how I did it...or wait... am still doing it... maybe even crazier.
It was around the time my 13 year insane athletic streak was going down the shit'a (said in an Aussie accent), when I just wanted a social life with my skateboard / snowboard friends, rather than hang out with a bunch of hormonal girls on a soccer team that didn't like me anyways ... when I got my first blood clot at 16.
I was winded one day at school, whatever, oh well I shrugged it off like any other person would at that age. By 11 PM that night I had to call my friend Lexi to get her brother to drive me to the hospital, thank goodness, 6-8 hours later I would have been dead. I couldn't really breathe by the time I got there. long story short they couldn't figure out why, lots of people clot anyways...and 50% of those people don't have a reason. One hanger though, just a month before that I was on Yasmin 28 (because I was dating someone who was dating the whole damn town! - stupid girls right? right - wasn't the first mistake, wasn't and won't be the last), I stopped it because I was getting bad migraines, around that time I think they were just starting to notice more and more young women were getting clots from birth control... buttttt my story doesn't really fit in with that conclusion in the years to come. 6 months of blood thinners and still running around being fit - and partying at the same time, they took me off blood thinners. That is what they do with first time clotters, standard practice and I tested negative for all genetic conditions. SWEET.
I started University when I was 18 - as a strong trend in my life... I got in with a scholarship.... then... I lost it in my second term... to much of a work load... and to much partying to do. That same year, sharp shooting pain started in my chest -- ahhhh that pain is too familiar, sure enough, another blood clot in the middle of my mid-terms. This time not nearly as a painful and no shortness of breath, but... how I describe a clot is if you hold a dagger above the lower lobe of your lung and then you breathe in, your lung tissue grazes that tip with every breath, its hard to imagine "not as painful", but really, the first time was a doozy. All it took this time was a bit of liquid blood thinners in the hospital and some amazing morphine and I was on my way. This time on blood thinners for the rest of my life - that's fine, the medication was called Warfarin - super common, super cheap, super helps a lot of people. Will it help me?
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| Winnipeg 2010, Hockey game fail, wine and cheese win. |
His part in this whole thing is huge. Of course, one day before I am supposed to go to Ecuador, to tranquilize Vicunas no less (not even kidding), with a dart gun, hanging from the side of some broken ass truck in the mountains with a crazy professor in South America, my blood results are insufficient, and straight up told not to go on this trip.
Heartbroken. 1 month into dating this guy, he is devastated too, brings me Vietnamese, calms me down while I am a broken mess and does the best job he can to make me happy. I still went part way and made it to Toronto to hang with my family them for the holidays. I got over it quick. Got my blood straightened out and all is left behind. The next spring we moved in together and lived a pretty damn good life. Yoga Galore, amazing friends, and planning for my huge trip to Asia the following fall. Got a forestry job to save up loads for that trip, then quit 10 days later, and became a barista for the summer making pennies while my boyfriend dish-washed to make ends meat. We were bums, but happy ones. I went on my trip solo and had the time of my life. When it was time to end the trip it was time, and it could not have ended worse. I think everyone on my flight was sick, and rubbing snow all over everything, I was stuck in Chicago due to bad weather, and my legs were killing me from being cramped and I was probably on PMSing, anything you could imagine add it and it probably happened. Finally a two days later, I arrive in the TDot to my family whose soooo pumped I didn't up in the sex trade, or get killed, overdosed or shot (they really thought I was writing my own death wish... it was a time!!! I recommend it to anyone). and I went with 1200 bones. Still managed to take a motorcycle trip through Vietnam tho... at one point mushed in between two AUSSIES (what were we thinking!!!!)
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| 3 retards on one bike in Saigon, stupid gringos! still alive though. |
So I WAS ILL when I got into the Watson res. ILL, the worst ever, I went to the doctors in good ole Campbellford Ontario. They put me on some anti-biotics, and said "no worries it cant be a clot because your already on thinners silly!!" I checked outta that place, flew to Tbay to return to my bush man and other family, white as a ghost and the motivation of a slug. We went for a walk, and I could barely make it up the hill... go to the hospital, you got it, BLOOD CLOT.. while on thinners. This time they would persist and create havoc for me for the next 3.5 months. in and out of really painful breathing periods, some days bad others, good. I tried to go to my yoga classes, and they would end up in a coughing fit. I couldn't go it anymore, it was ruining my relationship, and my life. So we went for surgery on April 6th. This is what they pulled out.
That's a chunk of something my body created. picture me laying on that table face up, that's my left lung on the right, and vice versa, I had clots in BOTH! The word is faaaaakkk. How did they get them out, its called a Thrombo-endarterectomy. They open up your sternum, get into your main arteries and basically snake and shake them out slowly, its kind of like corking them out. The next month was hell. rollercoaster ride of the mind because of the drugs I was on, and I had to wear oxygen, not a huge fan I must say. and nights of crying because I couldn't sleep on my stomach, and a boyfriend who was going more grey because I couldn't sleep, I was irritable, and he was right there taking care of me every moment with every single piece of love he could muster.... around the three week mark I could see him feeling it. It was trying on him, he couldn't go on work stints and he wasn't up to much beside helping his 23 year old girlfriend - he didn't start normal life again until I MADE HIM! I was getting better and stronger, fast, really fast. With new scars to show and friends all around with open arms. Side note: They had switched my meds to go to Asia, onto Fragmin, which was a blood thinner you did not have to get your blood checked for... but it was a needle injection, this was the problem solver for me to travel... I'll have you know, even though I clotted... they kept me on Fragmin after that... and after this surgery as well... because.... we don't know why really. I personally blame the medication this time.
So we are all back on the road to health and longevity, until 7 weeks later I still coudn't quite breathe right, but also couldn't really test my ability too because I was still sore and what not. I did go in tho, and when I did, our jaws dropped and thought the emergency doctor was lieing to us when he said you have a pulmonary embolism in your left lung. We said "You are looking at my old CT scan, I just got hacked open to remove all that - check again please"
Game back on. This time, not so stoked. Luckily I have some awesome friends, maybe to awesome. I really enjoyed their company, they enjoyed mine, I was always right there egging on the party, and being part of it. There was a lot of drinking that summer, some drugs involved, for about a month, I found salvation in drinking, we were university students having the time of our lives, and if I wasn';t with the crew, I would get super down. I never wanted to be inside thinking of the things I couldn't do, so I just drowned myself and DID IT ALL. The clots were back, but they were not AS bad. Just as bad as they are now because I's Still Gotsem. But I could still do all the outdoorsy things my friends were doing, and all the unhealthy things too. My man was working a lot that summer. I am not sure he ever really knew how much fun I had sometimes... we were different people, and he was gone often. BUT OH HOW I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THE NIGHT HE RETURNED from a work stint. Yes!!!! Into our nice cozy apartment he arrived! had a nice dinner and what not, you know what the sad thing is, how bad am I that that night I didn't even jump his bones, you know why? because I had to watch the last episode of Dexter, I was waiting so long!! "honey ill be in bed in 20", I didn't quite finish it... but thought better of it and got into bed, he was OUT! no sex tonight. Instead...
at 1:03 am... I woke up hemorrhaging blood by the cupful out of my mouth, I just woke up to this pukey feeling coming out of me... ran to the bathroom and watched myself throwing up all my blood for a split second before Steven was up with the car keys and health card rushing me to the car. My new Honda fit was now being washed with blood inside and out, my head hanging out the window. I called 911 to tell them we were coming, couldn't get the words out and panicked and hung up, told steven im sorry if I die like this, but I really don't want to ok, and then could only get one phone number in... I didn't have a cell phone then, so I knew all my friend digits (oh how we are technologically dependent now, only after 3 years I don't even know my moms number), that person was Vicki. All I said was get to the hospital, she said why, I replied - im puking up blood and hung up.
4 mins later I was on a hospital bed and lights out for the next few days. I went into cardiac rest in the hospital and once in the air on the way to the Ottawa heart institute. I lost a lot of blood. had some other peoples blood put into me a few times, got put on a machine that breathes for you and was held on life support. I woke up... had the worst case of delirium from the drugs they have witnessed in such a young patient. Example: I thought I had been eaten by a shark in new Zealand while floating in the water with a weird hermit / crab friend who was always behind me, never seen though, while having a whole separate life with a very handsome Aztec looking man surrounded by all his brothers, where we hung out in hammocks all the time, surfed, and were beach bums. Then it turned into a nightmare and I was in the hospital but thought the nurses had pictures of this man and was going to show them all to Steven and tell him how horrible I am and that I cheated on him, and that I am a slut and a prostitute... I saw my grandpa hung from his toes on the back of my hospital room door... they tortured him and took vice grips to his toes and peeled them back, they left him there... to die, I watched him, the man I have looked up to my whole life getting slowly tortured in front of me while I couldn't do anything because I was attached to so many tubes and highly sedated. I saw my aunt Kerry and uncle Pierre with Steven crushed by my ceiling, dangling on top of me, I saw the nurse at the nurses station rise out of the desk and saw his face split off of his skull... I thought they were continually trying to put things into my neck where all my tubes were coming from that would poison me, and of all things, fatten me up. I also thought they were trying to remove my vagina because of how I cheated on Steven and gallivanted around new Zealand giving my body to whoever. The list goes horribly on, and I can't do it, I know what I saw, and it is to hard to reflect to go on and reflect further.
The shark attack is obviously related to the massive 47 staple long knifing that my arm suffered when I was completely out. I had to have a fasciotomy on my right dominant arm because I swelled so bad from all the fluids I needed while I was out that it was either slice it or lose it. Below is a fasciotomy, it is not my arm, and it would have been a little more cleaned up then shown, but that's what it is, they open it... check for clots or damage, clean it up, then leave it open for a while until the swelling goes down. I think mine was open for two days, my grandpa watched them change the dressings I guess. Eww.
So before. And After:
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| A week or so after right arm fasciotomy, photo Vicki |
The gross part I mentioned about the Vagina massacre (sorry, but its true), that was actually getting twisted and seen for a reason that makes sense. They had put an Inferior Vena Cava filter into my left femoral artery in my groin. This prevents clots from moving upwards if they ever occur in your legs, so I had a 4 inch incision, when they were cleaning it and redressing it, is when I had the halucinations. I even pulled my dressing off myself once... not to mention the time I pulled y own feeding tube out, right from my nose all the way down to my stomach, so high I didn't even feel it. They PLASTERED that to my nose once, I still pulled it out. I was the worst patient they ever had to deal with. Blame them.... they're the ones with the drugs haha.
A month later at home, packing up our apartment because we had planned to move to BC and gave our notice... now it was just going to be me moving in with my Aunt Sheila and steven going on another big work stint, because wow man at this point, someone needed to bring home the bread. I was now on welfare / health benefits. But look at those boxes, I finished packing that with Steven and moved a bunch of my own stuff like a champ. Somehow always staying a float, with a boat with a LOT of pin holes.
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| Creepy looking me, a little battered and smiling way to big. |
I don't really know what it was, but that fall, I needed a change. My mind needed to escape the place all this crazy stuff had happened to me, I was feeling locked down and sad. I was feeling like a freak who would never do the things ive lived for again, and maybe I was even making it worse. My god mother first saw it, I told her, I broke down, I said... I don't know if I can stay here, or with Steven. All of a sudden I saw my life collapsing in an even worse way. I gave up on sex. That was the first thing. I just wasn't into it. This sexy brunette blue eyed god who did everything for me, and I wasn't doing ANYTHING for him. I went into a deep rutt. I tried to pull out of it... but all of a sudden I needed to get far away from everything that has been a part of this mayhem that kind of ruined an entire year of my life. I tried, he was taking me to Mexico that December, starting on his birthday, I told Cody (godmother), that if I don't snap out of it on this trip... it must be for real, this trip will make or break it. Sure enough... I was a bitch, I was sad, I was enjoying the company, and we had so much fun, but I was not the lover he knew two months ago even. I just wanted away... Mexico wasn't far enough. When we got back and two weeks went by... I just laid it all out on the table... and he was shaken, but he was still so strong, he grabbed his stuff and told me to figure it out, he MANNED UP in a way I wish I could have ever. I cried, endlessly, I was actually letting him go. Our families were crushed. And his life for the next two years wasn't the same (neither was mine), I had seriously hurt him. He loved me, he still does, I still have love for him too, but I have started a different life, we have both moved on... I think. I don't give up on things, I didn't give up on him. I actually let him straight up go. I left. So when I say I don't give up on things I meant British Columbia. I moved to BC, and have been here for 2.5 years. And it has been a ride in its own, but ive never given up on it until the day I knew it probably really is forever... A whole new crazy fucked up adventure began, with just as many ups and downs. And I never left that man behind because I didn't care about him or love him or knew that no one will probably ever treat me the same, I left because things in life just happen and sometimes you just know... you have to go. No one ever understood, no one ever will.
BC whew, moved to the coast, was a total bum in short. Wwoofed, street performed, went to festivals, got crazy, worked for free worked for food, met some amazing people, did some co-operative farming, had a few run-ins with some random people, made a lot of mistakes, and had a LOT of good times. This one sticks out, the following January:
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| Naked in January on Wreck Beach in Van with two AMAZING friends. |
Basically, working hard and being alone... I went out a lot more, I drank more, I indulged in drugs when they were around, I went to SEVEN music festivals last summer... anything to keep my mind stimulated and off all the under-lying factors. All of these pushes stem from not being physically like everyone else, and being in a place where all my relationships had vanished. They didn't vanish, I left them. I also went to Costa Rica that winter, which helped and didn't... I had a life changing experience with some of my best mates... and when I came home I hit the depression hole... with ppl and their materialism, big trucks and the whole everything... I just wanted to run away, once again.
We had an amazing time and met ppl we will never lose touch with:
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| Bahia Ballena 2012. |
My mind started to beef up a bit, I was meeting some awesome friends, now, getting good at my job, snapping out of fantasyland a bit and seeing all my financial goals being met. So I was occupied. Just before my trip I met someone on the job, I haven't talked with him so I don't want to say his name. The first impression, he is a pipe-liner with a bit of arrogance, not your style, don't do it. So I did it. We had so much fun! He was pretty damn exciting, we dated, but oh man our lifestyles were so different and underneath I always knew it couldn't work, I can't be with someone with such polar views on things. But we had fun, a LOT of fun. Someone to have some good company with finally, and laugh, and feel cared for, and we had a blast, but there were always things I just didn't agree with or could understand how his mind worked compared to mine. And our schedules were NOT compatible, pipeliner meets wildlife biologist. Not good (but when do I ever date men that STAY AT HOME... never. ever. tradesmen, musician, pipeliner, firefighter... Que?!) So, went to costa rica, and oh boy.
Put me in fantasy land this year, 2013... with everything that pertains to me in every way....had just crushed all my Canadian ways. He knew after a month of being there I wasn't the same, something was up. Yeah, I met everyone that ive ever been longing to meet who were into everything I was into with the most interesting, fucked up, and beautiful life histories. Not to mention not really having friends for a year and a half now I was in heaven. Yoga, Spanish, the surf, POI. So for anyone that doesn't know I am super into poi - also known as fire dancing, basically with chains and balls on fire, youtube it. So unexpectedly when I arrived at poi school, I was the only student, and my hero was my teacher. Uh oh. Bad news. Super weird situation, but in the end I became so much better at poi! And met so many people that did it and who taught it, and then had a whole family of street performers! My life was so complete.
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| My buddy Josue, ahha with Eli and Cedrik, Costaricense y mexicanos |
Obviously I returned from good company, new amazing girlfriends! Actually a soul mate that I knew id be crushed to leave.... and I have ever since, and hit a wall again of depression.
Just before I left, I felt healthy and happy. I came home, and was so disgusted with our culture that I went into my old ways, I was so stressed and sad, this just cant be the life for me ?!?! I belong on a beach with nothing but a healthy body and mind, and good company, because I know now from too many times that you definatley don't need more then that to be happy! If you think you do, than you haven't experienced what I have.
So you see these waves with this body mind, they go together pretty strong for me. When im happy, im treating my body good, when im sad, I tend to neglect, and I cant afford to do that with my clotting monstrosity, if I neglect it just a little bit I can REALLY feel it compared to the norm, when I don't I can also really feel that and can feel like super woman. I am also not a really depressed person, I've just had some crazy experiences that I feel is a little above normal, and its a lot, but I am also a SUPER strong woman, and is happy most of the time because I can deal and make the most out of life. And now, at my age with my experiences, I have learned a few lessons. So I have cut a lot out of the Shiat that has happened but this last chapter is what did the final push.
I got out of my funk this spring and was like yo lady... get your head out of la la land and get your shit together, you have almost reached your goals, so get them THEM you can do whatever you want, so i pulled up my pants . Ladies pull those pants up cuz it does wonders. Minus the camel toe. My best friends moved up, SWEET, I hiked the dogs everyday, my new co workers I had to train (yah me, wtf?!), were catching on and we all get along, weather was perking up, bike on the road, feeling good about my body, funk -- GONE! (minus the body thing really, I can look good, or bad as well, but the inside was never truly happy :( ). Anyways with those pants up I caught a mans attention, he was wasted (does that count?!), and had this wway to big, where are your lips kind of beard and a tie dye t shirt on. Not so much into it at the moment, hidden faces and wastedness don't really jive. Whatever, I left with my friends that night, it was a DOOZY, my roommate got his nose pretty much broken, because hes broken and made a dumb mistake and doesn't even know what happened to this day and ya, crazy things happened. Next time I went to open mic and the bearded man was there, and I had drunken a bottle of wine, still not honestly interested.... but I was happy drunk and was glad to see his friendly self and asked, "why didn't you call me?!?!??!!". anyways lol..., we got talking, hanging out, he was so beautiful inside and out, I just couldn't see it at first through alcohol and a whole above neck mask of hair. He actually made me nervous with his awesome personality. Para attack firefighter from a far away land, clearly going to leave. CLEARLY. I rolled with it though and we hung out and made each other way more happy then I think either one of us could have imagined. Ass over tea kettle for this one, but just in case he reads this, I am not going to go on and inflate anything.
We have a LOT in common, and a lot of things to be learned, or got learned from each other, I really appreciate the things he is interested in, very fascinating and he is a man who knows what he wants and when he wants it, and is a world wide traveller. We rode bikes (motorized obviously!) together, I helped him a little with some riding, he already knew but I was just so stoked to have him interested, that we shared and enjoyed each other's information on bikes and riding. I have been longing for someone to do that with for so long, instant happiness. The things we did and the company we shared made my summer .
I guess at the end of the summer and his last two days the women in me was screaming out "why don't you just invite me to leave this place, take me with you, lets meet in central America, why don't you feel the same?!", but I did have a flood of emotions his last two days it was pretty intense, and unfortunately through honesty and dishonesty, I realized this happens, has happened, and is happening. I knew it was coming, and def didn't expect to be completely crushed momentarily, but I may or may not be not in his future because simply, he doesn't have a foreseeable one, whatever happens to him will happen in the moment. And I do appreciate that. Some people wish they could do that! It is a positive thing. My moments will come to, I am almost done here, and have the ability to do what I want when I want to, I can travel, visit, or choose to be happy or un-happy, strong, beautiful or ugly. I am 26 years old, I'm not old, but now I have experience and I know the roller coaster when it goes up it must come down and make its way to the top again. And I am done with feeling un-healthy because I might be some kind of mutant (not going to lie, his surfing ways has pushed me to surf again, and to do that I need my chest back in order, the ocean means to much to me, I shouldn't have waited this long!), and un-happy because I chose to be in a different place then everyone else, or because I got lied to, or lied to someone, or someone doesn't like me, or I don't like what I am surrounded by... I put myself in all those positions, the goods and the bads. So how does that make sense? It doesn't.... exactly ;)
My Body and my Mind has taken a BEATING (I've beaten a few myself), and a lot of loving, I am lucky women...in more ways then one. So on top of being recently inspired, happy, crushed, lied too, someone to confide in and hold secrets, a sister figure, a lover... and finding out today I have a what is hopefully a benign cyst in my left breast, and not a tumor...based on an ultrasound and testing that wont happen for a whole week, I AM GONNA MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THIS LIFE, finally,make the transformation I have been waiting for... today was your history lesson. Tomorrow begins the cleanse.
Healthy Body, Healthy Mind. If I can do it, anyone can. I will send you photos everyday of our diet change, exercising habits, lifestyle changes (healthy choices), and I expect some hard times of not having a drink with friends, one cheat night once a week is aloud. No beverages on any other night, no poisonous substances down the hatch, a 30 day yoga challenge, and all honesty on deck. I have not really explained everything that is involved yet, but it will get weeded out everyday.
Family if there is something you did not want to hear, don't be upset, just embrace it and know that from now on things will be amazing and I will be treating my body as the temple it should be treaten as :) The next adventure begins and I am already so happy to get all these things off my "chest", hopefully literally ahhaha!
Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. (PLUR)
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