Thursday, September 19, 2013

Day 14: The mind builds the body, the body dictates your future..

10 Days later. I feel relieved I am finally going to spill out some serious emotional garbage and treasures to the world about some of the insane and rapid happiness and body changes that have already happened.... along with some dark, depressing, shit kicking news.

Since I have had this fuel to turn around and keep completely occupied, starting with the mind by constantly keeping my body moving, while eating the healthiest of food... with some exceptions I just cant give up... or live with out I have found, I feel like my life has changed for the better. By taking a lot of garbage out of my diet (garbage to my body , not yours necessarily), like gluten... (although not that gluten is bad for the average healthy person, it just happens to make my body tired, a little more gushier around the waste line and neck, and puts my stomach in an unhappy place), I feel like everything positive has been coming my way, and my energy level through the roof! Its not just gluten though, I have minimized dairy, brick cheese is still number one on my list though, it stays... and it also does not hurt my stomach, so when I have a craving I don't hold back, I have seriously cut down alcohol consumption. By saying that too... I feel like my family thinks I am and have been an alcoholic after reading this. Although sometimes consumption has been more then I would like with work, a lot of the time just being in my mid twenties and going out on the weekends has been a part of it, I don't want them to think I am a gong show... I think the impression is more on the negative side. University was the time of serious alcohol consumption, now when I say I have cut down, I mean I am not having those casual glasses of Bingo any more on a week night. Although.... my co worker and I have been known to put down a bottle here and there. Now It is one cheat night a week with my friends, to feel human and enjoy some company, and just have fun out.

The first noticeable thing was energy level. All lethargia out the window. I have been drinking my moringa, and a Kaisen natural whey protein shake, along with LOADS of new and healthy meals. I have not cut back consumption, I have just been smarter about my choices, you don't need to be a squirrel to cut back, be a dog who wants to always eat, just eat the stuff that fills you up and targets the right things.

The next, was my body. SO FAST, when you take away the fattening things, and reduce your salt ... boom, unnecessary weight gone. If its just sitting there, and its bad fat... then it comes off fast, its not an unhealthy fast if its simply coming off because of reduced salt and wheat and less alcohol... which is my case. I weigh 125 lbs now in the AM, down from 129.  Which I think can only go up from here now that we have developed a mini circuit training routine Victoria and I are getting into, I am pushing her on the bike a bit at the gym, we do arm weights together, breathe together, and stretch together. I have been going more often and have been being a bit more anal, but I push harder and enjoy the pain more with a partner. So it has been good. I was never upset with my body before what soever, but now... I can see positivity beaming from it, the temple has pointy edges here and there lol.

The mind. It has been occupied, and thinking of all these new and interesting things, and feeling empowered. And something strange happened. I shared my empowerment with the man I spent my summer with, and decided that If we try to make a long distance situation work, and we both lead interesting lives... we are summoning hurt somewhere along the way. We would either meet someone else, or one of us would always be waiting for the other. I felt like because I would be stuck up in fort st. john, BC for now (for those of you who don't know its really not that bad, there's amazing music and some good souls and people who are doing well in life, but its not far from the NWT, its fucking cold in the winter, there's tonnes of meat head dudes and did I say its NORTH for those of us from the south), he would always be meeting the next amazing, beautiful and smart gypsy woman on his amazing, gypsy adventures. I didn't want to set myself up for that. Knowing he is a bit of a lone wolf, and travels with the wind. I let him go. I stood up for myself, wore a smile. put on my gym clothes and said... when our paths cross, we'll talk. So I thought...

After bringing all my man power together, the emotions went flying and I have gotten a beautiful taste of how he really felt about me. Maybe all those times people have given you that advice "leave em alone, and they will come back", is true. I decided to be on my way, and then his true feelings came out, and not in any kind of sad, pathetic way, in a realization way that I might be gone, and that maybe.... after being a lone wolf for so long, and never looking into the future, maybe it was time. Maybe my turning a potentially negative situation into a really positive one also opened up his eyes a bit. I am not someone who will let things dictate my life. I am the owner of my life, and I am going to dictate how I feel and where I go, and I think to him... that is beautiful. I think we both realized a lot. And all in a really amazing learning sense. So, we will see, and take things day by day..., there is excitement around the bend and a trip to the island coming up to share some waves together, some hiking, and some beautiful conversations. All is well and I think we all need to take life with the seasons. For the first time, honest, I am learning this. A high strung, antsy, need answers now kinda woman, is finally taking a step back and seeing how things unfold, and I think I have actually opened up a new side of me I did not know existed.

Another positive note. The thing all woman dread at some point. Or at least I would assume any woman who has ever really grabbed their own breast before would think of. There was this large lump on my left breast I had mentioned in a previous entry. Not that you could see, but what you could feel. Its either a cyst, or cancer lump. The thing about cancer is that it kills and you could potentially lose one or both breasts, the thing about cysts is that they can come and go with your monthly cycle, no matter the size. Lucky for me, 3 days after the monster mine felt normal!!! So it is true... doctor's do sometimes know what they are talking about ;) I still have not had the ultrasound, but I don't think cancer shrinks on its own. WINNING!

ANOTHER positive. My house of mutts love me more and more everyday, and I have never been more in love. Look at them!! im so happy right now :D they make my nights (corny? I dunno but theres some serious love in da house).


So, I think im doing great. I think theres some huge things around the corner. Some amazing things currently happening, some good conversations, and I am so happy and in love with my friends who have been in contact. I have a phone meeting actually coming up in 30 mins with my best friend mr. Phillips. Maybe not because of the most positive reasons....

I had a telehealth conference today with my cardiac surgeon in Ottawa. It's been three years since I saw his handsome possibly mid 40's face and quarky to the point and blunt sense of humour. The man that saved my life... So, I STILL have a huge clot in my left lung/ pulmonary artery for those of you who didn't know, it never went away 7 weeks after my first open heart surgery. It just came back in situ, after going through a horrific 9 hour pulmonary thromboendarterectomy in the Ottawa Heart Institute.... I was clot free for 7 weeks. Then, un-beknownst to the cardiac gods, they came back!!! and ever since... I have been blessed with their presence. A major reason of why this whole blog happened. But like I said above, right now im feeling good! I cant breathe like a normal human being, but I can keep up to most... and I have an interesting life. But... I have a risk of developing pulmonary hypertension as I age. A higher risk then most because I am so young and will have MORE years to have a chance to develop it, which means... I could blow out the right side of my heart and treat it for a while, people do live with PH, but eventually, it would most likely lead to heart failure. Even though right now it has been confirmed I have a beautiful healthy heart. That being said... Dr. Reubens did not let me forget "your left lung is useless", right... that old thing. My left lung us completely occluded with blood clots. Its true. I have 54-56% the oxygen capacity of a normal person. The reason why I can even do what I can do is because of exercise, and making my right lung so much stronger. Which it could even be stronger if I tried harder, which I am, right... meow.  People cant even tell some times im kind of handicapped, but most people also don't do recreational activities with me, put a back pack on me and tell me to run one block, and I look like an old lady. Weight bearing excersices... poof, cardio capacity gone. That's why I LOVE weights, I can do them, they don't make me tired, and they make me feel great about myself. I am healthier in other ways, and I have people that love me... BUT.... im going to have kids that love me one day... what if mom doesn't make it passed there 5th, 10th or 15th bday cuz her heart has been so strained?

Well... the doctor said it today, Holly, we need to have another heart surgery. I got punched in the face. I thought I could ignore my aveeage quality of life and possible future heart failure but no.

What I cant get my head wrapped around yet is that it is my decision. Have heart surgery, go through that mental rollercoaster again... have way higher chances of cancer then I already do because I have had 15 CT scans in my life (200 X  a chest x-ray per scan), that's 3000 chest x rays, and will need at least 3-5 more ct scans to go through with the surgery, and possibly have the clots COME BACK again... I feel like my strong mental capacity that I have carried through a whole decade of shit kicking... would not be able to with stand this blow, this time, if I either developed cancer.... or the clots came back. OR... don't go through with the surgery, always have the oxygen capacity of a 40 yr old fat alcoholic, and possibly die in my sleep one day because mom had heart failure.


Im strong.... im a f**cking Watson, who has already escaped the deaths my great aunt and my cousin died of through blood clotting, but im not THAT strong, and I cant make this decision on my own. I also don't want to be a burden on someone for the rest of my life for taking care of me one day.... I don't want to be a mutant anymore, I don't know what to do...

what does the stubborn, know everything all the time, business as usual, sometimes funny, sometimes a bitch, best friend, daughter, unique, strong and weak individual do.

help. I am feeling naked and terrified.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Day 4: Tiredness wins, amazing thoughtful writing to come.

I have so many things to tell you already and it has only been two days! There are some intense changes that are happening, and then some things I have done that I would have never thought I had the power to do....

I cannot get into it now because it is way to much, and I have been going since 6 am and it is now 10:30 and finally the energy train has haulted for the evening, which included two hours of cooking some ridiculous good home grown food... that I would love nothing but to share the yummy recipes with  you...next time, and an arm and ab burner with Vicki that my tiny little tire, is saying WHY! why are you doing this to me, I just wannnnnaaa live, on the underside of your bellybutton lol. I am going into the bush for a few days, and when I get back it will be close to cheat night and I can have a glass of wine and tell you some beautiful, insightful, sad, and happy things... this next three days is a challenge in itself, without the handiness of a kitchen and no junk to lean on, so I did the best I could ;)



on my computer this shows up sideways, but in pic manager it doesn't? so happy neck straining... maybe.. lol.

I promise ill have a good read for you in a few days when I get back from being an Albertan. Until tomorrow morning, I close my the computer lid while this 100 lb Rottweiler is leaning her butt up against me right now, and has no joke farted on me 4 times in the last two minutes. Some things will never change...

favourite two animals, dogs, and men. They both fart, and they both smell horrible. thank god they listen to our commands.... ;)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Day 2: Womens Edition: letting it all hang out.

The way this blog is set up might confuse a few, if you haven't read mine, please start at Day 0: the motivation behind all this! (the most recent post shows first) Then you will understand what's happening here.

If you just want to learn about some women's anatomy today, you can just read this one.

After this one, I am going to leave it until the next time something amazing happens, to keep you all interested :)and not go on so long.

So after all the women who have called me and left me messages and said some amazing things to me... I realized other people have things about their bodies they are worried about or have been motivated to change their ways, so I think this might turn into some kinda health informational motivational kick in the butt honest lets share our true sides, body defects and everything we go through to help eachother kinda shindig. I did however get one text from the INFAMOUS D-Man who was stoked on my blog... my best bud in Vancouver, the talented Saxophonist, so ... we know some men are reading... after this one... will they continue too?

Ill try to make this one more of a photo journal. Before the female diologue, heres what happened: Morning, slept in (AWESOME), woke up, had my moringa, one energy bar, and made my list for the market (waiting for this day and pretty much have an empty fridge). The results are in, all awesome gluten and fat free heaven...Thanks to the hutties (also known as hutterites http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hutterite).

Food from the market and some tropics from the organic section at the grocery store.
So, an energy bar just wont cut it, run home.. need energy now...
Almond milkshake with banana, lemon, cranberries and sesame seeds. Energized. Now, coming from a person who never misses a bathroom break and is not your story book bathroom breaker.. I haven't hit the bathroom yet... hmmm... larger fiber intake? no more gluten? hmmm.....

Step two, walk dogs in this beautiful river, go the long route on fish creek, done. Lose Gizmo for an hour, accomplished. Almost have to run to the wood because now after exercising and an energy drink, in the middle of the trees my body finally remembers something.. "holly you can do this. you do not need to s** in the woods on  the side of this busy trail, you can do this"...so I did, I made it, because I know things inside are liking the food they are getting and my body CAN WAIT 20 MINS IF I TELL it TOO DAMNIT! winning. mind control trumps. never would have before...

Home, getting hungry. Make amazing Thai dish with a new incredible home made sauce with some different kinds of vinegar (mainly seasoned rice), dash of brown sugar, fish sauce and a whole bunch of other yummies... so full after a half bowl. Weird? Whats happening here?
red peppers, snap peas, chilli pepper, rice noodles, veg oil, and an amazing sauce.

Food in belly, two hours before heading to the gym to meet my girlfriend, I have yard work to do.. and a piece of information left out. There's something happening in V-town (gets funny due to later conversations), Its UTI like, but not as bad, which is a good sign, and even a little less common, not to worried but super uncomfortable.

Is there a boy reading?

Q) UTI A) Urinary Tract Infection
Q) Is it normal A) Common
Q) does that mean your gross A) NO!!
Q) what causes them A) so many reasons!!! YOU especially. e.g. condoms, other peoples organs containing bacteria, sporadic diet changes, unhealthy choices, the extra build up of naturally occurring bacteria, genetics, the material of your underwear... TOILET PAPER / TAMPONS, soooo many things. Yes its normal, but not if its often.
Q) what does it do>?! A), wellll, it can be gross or not gross, depending on which of a million you have! itching, burning, needing to pee every two seconds but only being able to get a drip out, a really disgusting discharge, that gets even worse with treatment before its better , inflammation, sooo many things, I don't even know. I just know, I have one of them, its minor, but it sucks!!

SO, that being said, this is not normal for me since I was a teen and going through all those hormonal changes, because from what I believe in is A) I have a fairly healthy diet (besides some of the wine intake previous and indulging in party items, B) im not very hormonal, I have am IUD and am pretty set at my age right now, C) latex has been replaced and D) I don't use tampons (WHAT?!?!)....

Girls if you don't use a Diva Cup yet, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!?!

Whats a Diva Cup anyways? http://divacup.com/ it might seem weird at first because of the idea, but give it three cycles and you can KIBOSH all the myths you have devised , like it gets stuck up in your junk (WRONG), you cant change it in a public bathroom without ppl seeing (WRONG), im gonna be really bloody and messy (WRONG), does it really save me money (YES), it will make my hoo ha bigger (WRONG). Wanna know what I think is an obvious reason to switch, and why 90% of my friends, which I consider some of the most amazing beautiful, some shy, some not, women on the planet,  have done it...

Eco friendly, non-dissolving, re-usable, 5 yr long, 1.5 ounce cup VS. sticking 5 to 20 condensed tubes of paper up one of your orifices once a month over one week that dissolves with your bodily fluids and sticks to the inside walls of your vagina, holds in bacteria... and can ultimately...

CREATE UTI's and Toxic Shock Syndrome...

Guys do you think that's to visual? well your girlfriend might be doing that to her genitals, gross, tell her to switch it up! or pretend like you didn't learn anything knew today and withhold important information. How gross would your mouth feel EVERDAY for 5-7 days, if you stuck a wad of condensed paper into and let it sit ALL DAY LONG... think about it. bacteria catcher.
Super long story already long, somethings up, but gets funnier. It might have crossed my mind once today that since this guy vanished and I miss him a lot with a chunk of my heart, he might have left me a gift...... to add insult to injury only haha. kick a women when shes down huh?!@ ill conclude this chapter in 3 mins.

So yah anyways, t minus two hours to gym, I wonder about the above problem then did all my garden work. So good for your soul and this 1.5 hours made me so happy today, made my whole day :)

My Ruby Moons are finally looking gorgeous :)

Roma tomatoes killing it, I should grow Pot I was told, I think I will..

Flower bed :)

 
Stevia plant from just as sweet a person.  Making my warm beverages so much more glorious :)
 
 
 
And to the gym we go, a new one to, we are trying out Todays Techniques, no one was there, sweet.  So we did our thing, and now, after all the exercise I already got, I cant really feel my upper legs, all because of lunging squats ( I hate squats in all ways anyways). oh my lord. I barely did any, but after biking for like 20 25 mins, on top of hiking and all that, TORN. my ass and legs are feelin it. Protein hit up this evening to heel that for sure. out of shape... YES! upper body weights, I love, did a few reps of a few things, and now my partner and I will be devising a circuit training routine, she has experience with it so I think we will have some fun!!

 Day 2 Photos: The Beginning.

left, not moving, right, sucking in and tightening.

left, letting it go, right, tightening it up


left, let it go, right, suck it in
So, I know I'm not heavy. but I do wish these photos could show more of my skin, the largest organ of your body, I may look thin, and kind of in shape, but I too, have cellulite, dimples on that butt, blemishes, and discolorations. And the inside of that body is not so great - which I hope after feeling amazing will show  the same on my skin in the end... and is the most important don't forget, but I cant show u my lungs via photo, sorry!. How do you compare if you don't have these photos out in the open in the beginning.

ALSO!  my butt looks rounder for sure in that upper left photo, see the difference not tucked up, I actually have a pretty small bum that will turn into my legs one day, and has a lot of abnormalities about it,, its NORMAL, and I am not self conscious - this isn't me trying to look like a princess, but if you don't take care of it now... itll happen faster. Yours might be worse, way worse!!!  or way betttttter!!. but ... anyones ass can change, or legs, or arms (lungs, heart, skin etc),... and I can hopefully show you that, and how hard it might be for someone with 56% oxygen capacity of a normal human being, a high heart rate, a cyst in one of her main features, a foot discomfort that inhibits her from walking every three weeks or couple of months and a possibly UTI. whats your excuse? uncomfortable in your own skin, tired, and have no motivation? you are not the only one...

So after this awesome bitch and braun session with one of my ladies, we get into the ole vagina talk. Right away I get reminded anything related to that part of our body is kind of a nightmare. And luckily realized my symptoms are barely nothing, but im uncomfortable and venting. She reminded me of garlic... yah garlic, that thing that makes your breath smell disgusting and your sweat even worse but your food so good?!Yah that, to stick one clove of it up YOUR GENITALS with some dental floss and it will relieve the onset of a UTI, I didn't research the reasoning before writing this to give you some legit background info.... but realizing its been proven true by some of my mates... I went for it... cringing? hahhaa.
hahahha.
 And you know what, its 11:30 pm, and I feel fine :) Sti no, uti gone, yes. or at least at bay. Ill blame it on my recent camping trip and not showering for 3.5 days and a few other things. So... try it out. weird? meh, not really, ppl have done worse for sexual pleasure. I did mine for health and comfort. Im not the first, I wont be the last.

Home, ate some awesome food, went for a motorcycle ride to Dawson to see some friendly faces ( listening to some new tunes that make me feel like superwoman) and got stopped short by an accident on the taylor hill.  Turned around and went home. So I resorted to the hot tub with my allowed once a week glass of wine, wondered why I never got the phone call I was looking forward too, thought better of it and wrote this, now its time for bed at a decent time, ill catch up in a few days or a week :)

Luv Your Ballz xoxoxox PLUR.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Day 1: Getting my head screwed on straight.

Yesterday's was so long I know! but the context was set. today, won't be so bad, but a little because nothing funky or different is happening yet, its just getting started so its easy to drone about things unrelated. However, I am pleasantly surprised how many people read, and a few phone calls today, and some nice messages in my inbox, all women. That might say something, I bet some men might think this is bitching, gossiping? wasting cyber space? maybe? It means more to some of us right now.

Ill just start from the beginning. Last night I was so tired when I finished that post that I KO'ed, harrd, on top of all my dirty clothes with two dirty dogs, I dreamt of work in the weirdest way, woke up thought I had all my stuff done, and was 30 mins from potentially being late, and had to make a good breakfast. not that I don't usually everyday but I realized you can't just walk out the door when your potentially late when you take a bunch of refined everything and glutenous things out of your grasp.

I can see my aunts and my moms giggling at that hefty 129 pounds, but its documented, and hopefully that will drop to about 124 in the short term, and slowly creep up to a healthy 135 in the long run or more, totally guestimating, I am not up on the change from fat to muscle mass, but I expect a leaner, more muscular me...at some point.

So good start, I have a Moringa XM plus drink everyday. It is my lifesaver sometimes, check it out, it is such a nutrient boost and an all natural energy drink, and one of the only sugars (contains natural cane sugar), that I am allowing myself. Check it out at drinklifein.com, along with some eggs, garden tomato / basil from the garden, one chunk of cheese, because I made a rule that I am allowed one good chunk a day as I can't live without it. Dairy is mainly off the list now. From my understanding, I have a dairy intolerance but brick cheese, and most cheese in general does not bother me as much because of the culturing process that happens to them. Liquid milk, yogurt, ice cream... stay at home, and very very far away from me. Brick cheese... winning. Also, once and a while I can have a piece of chilli chocolate, cuz if I cant have a man, im gonna have my chocolate! and maybe even more on those nights I can have a glass of red wine, and really get romantic, ziiiing. I told you im gonna be good to my body ;) LOL.

Anyways work is work, but it really puts glass in your morning coffee, ESPECIALLY when I can only have one with a quarter teaspoon of Stevia...when the hospital calls and says no ultrasounds available until October 23rd, F!!! I got kinda pissed and was like, do I just come into emergency then, I have a bulge in my boob lady! We cant get you in earlier... well, guh, looks like inm going to Van sooner then expected. Anyways like I said yesterday, cysts are common, and its only water and they come and go with your monthly cycle and can happen often. Ultrasounds show if there is fluid or not, im going for fluid ;) at least you cant see it bulging, but im sure it wouldn't be bad to have an extra bulge anyways. Ill save the photo, as I bet a lot of women might freak, like I did. and maybe it is nothing, but you can see what the ultrasound looks like when I get it.

Ive been waiting for market day to go ape on our grocery list (tomorrow), so I didn't really have much food at home for a change, so at lunch I just bought a few additives from the store to add to what I have. 


Quinoa, onions, garden tomato, garlic, olive oil, jalapeno pepper, pepper (with no salt, no more salt), and some feta (packed with saltiness...fail but!)... I had to use because my man friend and I had emptied out his whole pantry and room mates everything for camping and this feta came a long way... its gotta go the distance. I cant throw it out! I already slowly poured my wine down the sink and pouted watching it drizzle down to hell. what a waste. 

Rushed lunch and back to work, then ate a tonne of crab apples from a friends tree, one banana and it was time to strip down grab the dogs and do 6.5 km of the Beaton coulee barefoot.
Koda.

 
Why barefoot? When I was in central America we walked every barefoot, my friends Lisa and Abbey always believed in being totally connected with the earth. Theres so many rooting reasons its good for you, anyone who does yoga knows. My callouses then went away when  my shoes awaited me in Canada. Then a handsome blonde (yah, blonde? wtf mate - anythings possible I guess!), re-iterated how important it is to not wear shoes, we never had shoes before? protection is nice, but not always necessary.

From camping at the Chiwade, and walking, my legs are beaten.
that's a good jaunt on some shit rock sometimes.  I started off of solemnly walking, it was a reflection at first of the last few days, and a really nice song triggered a beautiful face and a great memory, and my mind wondered... whoa whoa whoa, get back to turbo mode - ur such a girl!, on came some amazing tunes... a huge distraction, a smile on my face, and shook that moment, and started walking... fast, and my feet no longer hurt, I blanked it out and gave it. I thought I did? when I saw these older women way ahead of me... that started off near me? but they had shoes... lol.

Back home, ate some food and a made a pina colada tea (caff' and alcohol free...camman), washed all the mud off me, had an awkward moment with my WEIRD roomates, shook it off and ran to vickis for some diet planning. She totally bailed on me today on excercing! but ill kick her ass tomorrow. Shes sitting beside me, is this talking behind her back? Shes already a healthy girl (id say im mod), so this doesn't involve her the whole way, she can do whatever she wants, but shes one of my soul mates and a damn good partner who doesn't judge and will definitely be actively participating enough, we will help eachother. Shes a little more non-challant about things, and im a little more pushy about things, ill probably get frustrated once or twice when she won't get into something with me, but we have super different bodies... shes like a swan pretzel princess getting more flexible, im more like a dude, and like lifting heavy things (besides truck toppers apparently), getting dirty, and doin man stuff. and gets shit DONE instantly. see our contrast, its why we might be the best team ever. Especially when our Acro Yoga begins. I saw a 250 lb man fly like an angel onto a mans heels in mid air upside down at astral harvest who was only 160 lbs.. damn right one day Vicki will catch me in some weird position and hold me up like Captain Planet - no problem! 

supper: my baby bok choy , hooked ever since matt made it for me sometime last year, beefed it up with some hot peppers, onions, the last of the mushrooms, hemp hearts, and another dash of nick and jesses feta for good measure.
 
This night was great just hangen out in a cozy apartment with some beautiful friends, I got a phone call from my firefighting friend, an arctic grayling made him think of me hahahaha... theres more to that story besides having me compared to a fish haha, at least their pretty. I didnt answer two of his phone calls and he knew it... I just wasn't normal in my mind. I am now maybe (or im prolly not ever, at least my friends don't think so), but I am holding back something...

So tomorrow, weights...... and yoga. And a market stop and making some serious stuff with miss Bel. Tomorrow there might be some embarrassing photos. but it has to happen :S
breakfast.

 
This will get more interesting as changes happen, I think... it will, I promise ;)

PLUR. 12:01 am on Friday, already to late and falling asleep and still feeling REALLY full.... I only had that bok choy dish for dinner after walking almost 7 km.... something about light good food all day satiates your appetite more then usual...

Luv your ballz xooxx.

 Note: Koodos to mr. Phillips for checking in how day one is and being a champ, and his step mom Mary for the high five. you guys are my best friends from a land I see once a year, and sometimes don't even see yous at that time. Dear to my heart. Along with all the other thunder baytians, who are amazing and have shared with me they have a few ways they would like to change themselves, after only one blog entry, lets talk about it....

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Day 0: The motivation behind the body and mind transformation

This is the story about finally after 26 years and a shwack load of experiences, I am finally doing the ultimate body - mind challenge for the next four months (to start!) that will involve an amazing friend Victoria Bel (who will be participating in most exercise sessions and all healthy conversations, a dedication to only the most healthy food (the largest and most intense part), daily exercise whether it be working out, hatha / acro yoga, walking with the mutts, swimming - HARD - to get my upper body the strongest its ever been to battle the ocean.... name it, I will get into it later.

The point of this whole blog is to document the changes my body and mind will go through, so I can see the transition myself and so others can learn from it if you so choose. By doing this it will help me commit to my evenings because I have to prove to myself - and now other readers that it is possible. What I am about to do, may be nothing to some people - NOTHING, but to me... and my story, it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a young, sporadic, sometimes crazy, lazy, healthy, un-healthy, stubborn intense hard working Capricorn... these things don't come easy. I am a truly motivated person, but after reflection of the last few years and a kick in the ass lately, there is no more sitting and waiting for the day to feel 150%, that day starts tomorrow morning.

Also... this blog... is all honesty. I don't want to hold anything back, and when you are cleansing your mind, there is a LOT OF SH*T to get out of it. Remember, this is a body mind challenge and my mind is FULL of amazing, sad, loving, artistic, deceitful, sexy, horny, lazy, fantastical, energetic, schizophrenic, jealous, smart, jealous, admiring and motivating thoughts. Please don't judge honesty. So why now?

I am a 26 year old female, who has been through a schwackload of mayhem in her life, and a lot of things that some people may even admire or envy, I am a well rounded experienced individual that has lived a roller coaster ride. But like most women, I can be crazy at times and emotional, and think into things to much, but I can be smart and strong and beautiful as well.

When I was a teenager I was athlete of the year, most valuable member of a hockey team, and one of the best soccer goalies in Ontario, scouted out twice for a scholarship that wouldn't be mine for two-three years - didn't care, didn't even get the information of the coach (what?!). All that while suffering through growing up as a teenage girl in a household with an abusive step dad, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, going through the ride of your life with the craziest most dynamic semi-delinquent beautiful friends a girl could ask for. Absolute craziness, sometimes I don't know how I did it...or wait... am still doing it... maybe even crazier.

It was around the time my 13 year insane athletic streak was going  down the shit'a (said in an Aussie accent), when I just wanted a social life with my skateboard / snowboard friends, rather than hang out with a bunch of hormonal girls on a soccer team that didn't like me anyways ... when I got my first blood clot at 16.

I was winded one day at school, whatever, oh well  I shrugged it off like any other person would at that age. By 11 PM that night I had to call my friend Lexi to get her brother to drive me to the hospital, thank goodness, 6-8 hours later I would have been dead. I couldn't really breathe by the time I got there. long story short they couldn't figure out why, lots of people clot anyways...and 50% of those people don't have a reason. One hanger though, just a month before that I was on Yasmin 28 (because I was dating someone who was dating the whole damn town! - stupid girls right? right - wasn't the first mistake, wasn't and won't be the last), I stopped it because I was getting bad migraines, around that time I think they were just starting to notice more and more young women were getting clots from birth control... buttttt my story doesn't really fit in with that conclusion in the years to come. 6 months of blood thinners and still running around being fit - and partying at the same time, they took me off blood thinners. That is what they do with first time clotters, standard practice and I tested negative for all genetic conditions. SWEET.

I started University when I was 18 - as a strong trend in my life...  I got in with a scholarship.... then... I lost it in my second term... to much of a work load... and to much partying to do. That same year, sharp shooting pain started in my chest -- ahhhh that pain is too familiar, sure enough, another blood clot in the middle of my mid-terms. This time not nearly as a painful and no shortness of breath, but... how I describe a clot is if you hold a dagger above the lower lobe of your lung and then you breathe in, your lung tissue grazes that tip with every breath, its hard to imagine "not as painful", but really, the first time was a doozy. All it took this time was a bit of liquid blood thinners in the hospital and some amazing morphine and I was on my way. This time on blood thinners for the rest of my life - that's fine, the medication was called Warfarin - super common, super cheap, super helps a lot of people. Will it help me?

Winnipeg 2010, Hockey game fail, wine and cheese win.
20 years old. I met an amazzzing human being, it took him a few times, but he turned himself into my hero and the only person I have ever truly loved. Steven William Jeffrey Phillips. Family rolls eyes right now, and might be even crying.

His part in this whole thing is huge. Of course, one day before I am supposed to go to Ecuador, to tranquilize Vicunas no less (not even kidding), with a dart gun, hanging from the side of some broken ass truck in the mountains with a crazy professor in South America, my blood results are insufficient, and straight up told not to go on this trip.
Heartbroken. 1 month into dating this guy, he is devastated too, brings me Vietnamese, calms me down while I am a broken mess and does the best job he can to make me happy. I still went part way and made it to Toronto to hang with my family them for the holidays.  I got over it quick. Got my blood straightened out and all is left behind. The next spring we moved in together and lived a pretty damn good life. Yoga Galore, amazing friends, and planning for my huge trip to Asia the following fall. Got a forestry job to save up loads for that trip, then quit 10 days later, and became a barista for the summer making pennies while my boyfriend dish-washed to make ends meat. We were bums, but happy ones. I went on my trip solo and had the time of my life. When it was time to end the trip it was time, and it could not have ended worse. I think everyone on my flight was sick, and rubbing snow all over everything, I was stuck in Chicago due to bad weather, and my legs were killing me from being cramped and  I was probably on PMSing, anything you could imagine add it and it probably happened. Finally a two days later, I arrive in the TDot to my family whose soooo pumped I didn't up in the sex trade, or get killed, overdosed or shot (they really thought I was writing my own death wish... it was a time!!! I recommend it to anyone). and I went with 1200 bones. Still managed to take a motorcycle trip through Vietnam tho... at one point mushed in between two AUSSIES (what were we thinking!!!!)


3 retards on one bike in Saigon, stupid gringos! still alive though.


So I WAS ILL when I got into the Watson res. ILL, the worst ever, I went to the doctors in good ole Campbellford Ontario. They put me on some anti-biotics, and said "no worries it cant be a clot because your already on thinners silly!!" I checked outta that place,  flew to Tbay to return to my bush man and other family, white as a ghost and the motivation of a slug. We went for a walk, and I could barely make it up the hill...  go to the hospital, you got it, BLOOD CLOT.. while on thinners. This time they would persist and create havoc for me for the next 3.5 months. in and out of really painful breathing periods, some days bad others, good. I tried to go to my yoga classes, and they would end up in a coughing fit. I couldn't go it anymore, it was ruining my relationship, and my life. So we went for surgery on April 6th. This is what they pulled out.



That's a chunk of something my body created.  picture me laying on that table face up, that's my left lung on the right, and vice versa, I had clots in BOTH! The word is faaaaakkk. How did they get them out, its called a Thrombo-endarterectomy. They open up your sternum, get into your main arteries and basically snake and shake them out slowly, its kind of like corking them out. The next month was hell. rollercoaster ride of the mind because of the drugs I was on, and I had to wear oxygen, not a huge fan I must say. and nights of crying because I couldn't sleep on my stomach, and a boyfriend who was going more grey because I couldn't sleep, I was irritable, and he was right there taking care of me every moment with every single piece of love he could muster.... around the three week mark I could see him feeling it. It was trying on him, he couldn't go on work stints and he wasn't up to much beside helping his 23 year old girlfriend - he didn't start normal life again until I MADE HIM! I was getting better and stronger, fast, really fast. With new scars to show and friends all around with open arms. Side note: They had switched my meds to go to Asia, onto Fragmin, which was a blood thinner you did not have to get your blood checked for... but it was a needle injection, this was the problem solver for me to travel... I'll have you know, even though I clotted... they kept me on Fragmin after that... and after this surgery as well... because.... we don't know why really. I personally blame the medication this time.

So we are all back on the road to health and longevity, until 7 weeks later I still coudn't quite breathe right, but also couldn't really test my ability too because I was still sore and what not. I did go in tho, and when I did, our jaws dropped and thought the emergency doctor was lieing to us when he said you have a pulmonary embolism in your left lung. We said "You are looking at my old CT scan, I just got hacked open to remove all that - check again please"

Game back on. This time, not so stoked. Luckily I have some awesome friends, maybe to awesome. I really enjoyed their company, they enjoyed mine, I was always right there egging on the party, and being part of it. There was a lot of drinking that summer, some drugs involved, for about a month, I found salvation in drinking, we were university students having the time of our lives, and if I wasn';t with the crew, I would get super down. I never wanted to be inside thinking of the things I couldn't do, so I just drowned myself and DID IT ALL. The clots were back, but they were not AS bad. Just as bad as they are now because I's Still Gotsem. But I could still do all the outdoorsy things my friends were doing, and all the unhealthy things too. My man was working a lot that summer. I am not sure he ever really knew how much fun I had sometimes... we were different people, and he was gone often. BUT OH HOW I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THE NIGHT HE RETURNED from a work stint. Yes!!!! Into our nice cozy apartment he arrived! had a nice dinner and what not, you know what the sad thing is, how bad am I that that night I didn't even jump his bones, you know why? because I had to watch the last episode of Dexter, I was waiting so long!! "honey ill be in bed in 20", I didn't quite finish it... but thought better of it and got into bed, he was OUT! no  sex tonight. Instead...

at 1:03 am... I woke up hemorrhaging blood by the cupful out of my mouth, I just woke up to this pukey feeling coming out of me... ran to the bathroom and watched myself throwing up all my blood for a split second before Steven was up with the car keys and health card rushing me to the car. My new Honda fit was now being washed with blood inside and out, my head hanging out the window. I called 911 to tell them we were coming, couldn't get the words out and panicked and hung up, told steven im sorry if I die like this, but I really don't want to ok, and then could only get one phone number in... I didn't have a cell phone then, so I knew all my friend digits (oh how we are technologically dependent now, only after 3 years  I don't even know my moms number), that person was Vicki. All I said was get to the hospital, she said why, I replied - im puking up blood and hung up.

4 mins later I was on a hospital bed and lights out for the next few days. I went into cardiac rest in the hospital and once in the air on the way to the Ottawa heart institute. I lost a lot of blood. had some other peoples blood put into me a few times, got put on a machine that breathes for you and was held on life support.  I woke up... had the worst case of delirium from the drugs they have witnessed in such a young patient. Example: I thought I had been eaten by a shark in new Zealand while floating in the water with a weird hermit / crab friend who was always behind me, never seen though, while having a whole separate life with a very handsome Aztec looking man surrounded by all his brothers, where we hung out in hammocks all the time, surfed, and were beach bums. Then it turned into a nightmare and I was in the hospital but thought the nurses had pictures of this man and was going to show them all to Steven and tell him how horrible I am and that I cheated on him, and that I am  a slut and a prostitute... I saw my grandpa hung from his toes on the back of my hospital room door... they tortured him and took vice grips to his toes and peeled them back, they left him there... to die, I watched him, the man I have looked up to my whole life getting slowly tortured in front of me while I couldn't do anything because I was attached to so many tubes and highly sedated. I saw my aunt Kerry and uncle Pierre with Steven crushed by my ceiling, dangling on top of me, I saw the nurse at the nurses station rise out of the desk and saw his face split off of his skull... I thought they were continually trying to put things into my neck where all my tubes were coming from that would poison me, and of all things, fatten me up. I also thought they were trying to remove my vagina because of how I cheated on Steven and gallivanted around new Zealand giving my body to whoever. The list goes horribly on, and I can't do it, I know what I saw, and it is to hard to reflect to go on and reflect further.
The shark attack is obviously related to the massive 47 staple long knifing that my arm suffered when I was completely out. I had to have a fasciotomy on my right dominant arm because I swelled so bad from all the fluids I needed while I was out that it was either slice it or lose it. Below is a fasciotomy, it is not my arm, and it would have been a little more cleaned up then shown, but that's what it is, they open it... check for clots or damage, clean it up, then leave it open for a while until the swelling goes down. I think mine was open for two days, my grandpa watched them change the dressings I guess. Eww.



So before. And After:


A week or so after right arm fasciotomy, photo Vicki

 
Winning, still have my right arm. Wiping my ass for a while was interesting that's for sure haha. Grandma knows.... hahaha.

The gross part I mentioned about the Vagina massacre (sorry, but its true), that was actually getting twisted and seen for a reason that makes sense. They had put an Inferior Vena Cava filter into my left femoral artery in my groin. This prevents clots from moving upwards if they ever occur in your legs, so I had a 4 inch incision, when they were cleaning it and redressing it, is when I had the halucinations. I even pulled my dressing off myself once... not to mention the time I pulled y own feeding tube out, right from my nose all the way down to my stomach, so high I didn't even feel it. They PLASTERED that to my nose once, I still pulled it out. I was the worst patient they ever had to deal with. Blame them.... they're the ones with the drugs haha.

A month later at home, packing up our apartment because we had planned to move to BC and gave our notice... now it was just going to be me moving in with my Aunt Sheila and steven going on another big work stint, because wow man at this point, someone needed to bring home the bread. I was now on welfare / health benefits. But look at those boxes, I finished packing that with Steven and moved a bunch of my own stuff like a champ. Somehow always staying a float, with a boat with a LOT of pin holes.

Creepy looking me, a little battered and smiling way to big.
I truly fell in love with that man I was with again in the hospital, I told him to marry me - I WAS however completely high out of my mind, and we would both have never wanted or agreed to that at that time. But everyone still laughs. Who wants a blood-shot eyed, bruised, broken and irritable freakshow anyways ;) But my body wasn't so good, and my mind was a bout to get a bit worse, completely unexpectedly.

I don't really know what it was, but that fall, I needed a change. My mind needed to escape the place all this crazy stuff had happened to me, I was feeling locked down and sad. I was feeling like a freak who would never do the things ive lived for again, and maybe I was even making it worse. My god mother first saw it, I told her, I broke down, I said... I don't know if I can stay here, or with Steven. All of a sudden I saw my life collapsing in an even worse way. I gave up on sex. That was the first thing. I just wasn't into it. This sexy brunette blue eyed god who did everything for me, and I wasn't doing ANYTHING for him. I went into a deep rutt. I tried to pull out of it... but all of a sudden I needed to get far away from everything that has been a part of this mayhem that kind of ruined an entire year of my life. I tried, he was taking me to Mexico that December, starting on his birthday, I told Cody (godmother), that if I don't snap out of it on this trip... it must be for real, this trip will make or break it. Sure enough... I was a bitch, I was sad, I was enjoying the company, and we had so much fun, but I was not the lover he knew two months ago even. I just wanted away... Mexico wasn't far enough. When we got back and two weeks went by... I just laid it all out on the table... and he was shaken, but he was still so strong, he grabbed his stuff and told me to figure it out, he MANNED UP in a way I wish I could have ever. I cried, endlessly, I was actually letting him go. Our families were crushed. And his life for the next two years wasn't the same (neither was mine), I had seriously hurt him. He loved me, he still does, I still have love for him too, but I have started a different life,  we have both moved on... I think. I don't give up on things, I didn't give up on him. I actually let him straight up go. I left. So when I say I don't give up on things I meant British Columbia. I moved to BC, and have been here for 2.5 years. And it has been a ride in its own, but ive never given up on it until the day I knew it probably really is forever... A whole new crazy fucked up adventure began, with just as many ups and downs. And I never left that man behind because I didn't care about him or love him or knew that no one will probably ever treat me the same, I left because things in life just happen and sometimes you just know... you have to go. No one ever understood, no one ever will.

BC whew, moved to the coast, was a total bum in short. Wwoofed, street performed, went to festivals, got crazy, worked for free worked for food, met some amazing people, did some co-operative farming, had a few run-ins with some random people, made a lot of mistakes, and had a LOT of good times. This one sticks out, the following January:


Naked in January on Wreck Beach in Van with two AMAZING friends.

 
Just before this time, I really didn't know where I was gonna live or how I was going to pay my rent or how my car or student loans could possibly get dealt with.. so I applied for jobs everywhere!! Including Fort St. John, got the job and was not stoked at all but the dollar amount said you have to for the time being and your problems will go away. So I went home for one last week and poisoned myself with my friends, then came back to Vancouver, grabbed my stuff in my clown car and pretty much teared up all the way to FSJ not knowing what it was going to be like and basically thinking, F!! what am I doing. It was kind of a disaster right a way, I was super lonely, Steven came to visit me once or twice, missed me and pittied me. We had SO MUCH FUN, but he knew it just wasn't the same. We were like brother and sister, sharing a bed. Literally. That was my only friend for almost a year and I saw him for a total of like 9 or 10 days. I didn't deserve to see him anymore anyways. There were blips here and there with guys, I tried, but I was NOT interested in anybody at all. Mistake dates and near misses. Disaster. All the while kind of hating my job sometimes because the learning curve is HUGGGE, and still being lonely. I met a LOT of awesome people but we are so transient and never get to see eachother in a timely enough manner to keep the friend ships going. Thank god, finally in the winter time I met some people at powder king and developed a sweet mountain family. Just a big huge rollercoaster of ups and downs, happy weekends, sad weekends. No body was ever accessible enough to keep me occupied. I did everything in my power to keep my mind occupied, but coming up here alone was not an easy task.  Friends just weren't and never will be like my broke ass art and musician filled hometown surrounded by cottages, longer seasons, and a lifetime of memories.

Basically, working hard and being alone... I went out a lot more, I drank more, I indulged in drugs when they were around, I went to SEVEN music festivals last summer... anything to keep my mind stimulated and off all the under-lying factors. All of these pushes stem from not being physically like everyone else, and being in a place where all my relationships had vanished. They didn't vanish, I left them. I also went to Costa Rica that winter, which helped and didn't... I had a life changing experience with some of my best mates... and when I came home I hit the depression hole... with ppl and their materialism, big trucks and the whole everything... I just wanted to run away, once again.
We had an amazing time and met ppl we will never lose touch with:

Bahia Ballena 2012.
Anyways, more blips in the radar, more super happy times came, I hit the gym, would feel good about my body and awesome, then have moments and not. It was just a cycle, but I had an amazing summer in 2012 and knew the winter to follow I was going to embark on another amazing journey in Costa Rica.

My mind started to beef up a bit, I was meeting some awesome friends, now, getting good at my job, snapping out of fantasyland a bit and seeing all my financial goals being met. So I was occupied. Just before my trip I met someone on the job, I haven't talked with him so I don't want to say his name. The first impression, he is a pipe-liner with a bit of arrogance, not your style, don't do it. So I did it. We had so much fun! He was pretty damn exciting, we dated, but oh man our lifestyles were so different and underneath I always knew it couldn't work, I can't be with someone with such polar views on things. But we had fun, a LOT of fun. Someone to have some good company with finally, and laugh, and feel cared for, and we had a blast, but there were always things I just didn't agree with or could understand how his mind worked compared to mine. And our schedules were NOT compatible, pipeliner meets wildlife biologist.  Not good (but when do I ever date men that STAY AT HOME... never. ever. tradesmen, musician, pipeliner, firefighter... Que?!) So, went to costa rica, and oh boy.

Put me in fantasy land this year, 2013... with everything that pertains to me in every way....had just crushed all my Canadian ways. He knew after a month of being there I wasn't the same, something was up. Yeah, I met everyone that ive ever been longing to meet who were into everything I was into with the most interesting, fucked up, and beautiful life histories. Not to mention not really having friends for a year and a half now I was in heaven. Yoga, Spanish, the surf, POI. So for anyone that doesn't know I am super into poi - also known as fire dancing, basically with chains and balls on fire, youtube it. So unexpectedly when I arrived at poi school, I was the only student, and my hero was my teacher. Uh oh. Bad news. Super weird situation, but in the end I became so much better at poi! And met so many people that did it and who taught it, and then had a whole family of street performers! My life was so complete.


My buddy Josue, ahha with Eli and Cedrik, Costaricense y mexicanos

 

Obviously I returned from good company, new amazing girlfriends! Actually a soul mate that I knew id be crushed to leave.... and I have ever since, and hit a wall again of depression.

Just before I left, I felt healthy and happy. I came home, and was so disgusted with our culture that I went into my old ways, I was so stressed and sad, this just cant be the life for me ?!?! I belong on a beach with nothing but a healthy body and mind, and good company, because I know now from too many times that you definatley don't need more then that to be happy! If you think you do, than you haven't experienced what I have.

So you see these waves with this body mind, they go together pretty strong for me. When im happy, im treating my body good, when im sad, I tend to neglect, and I cant afford to do that with my clotting monstrosity, if I neglect it just a little bit I can REALLY feel it compared to the norm, when I don't I can also really feel that and can feel like super woman. I am also not a really depressed person, I've just had some crazy experiences that I feel is a little above normal, and its a lot, but I am also a SUPER strong woman, and is happy most of the time because I can deal and make the most out of life. And now, at my age with my experiences, I have learned a few lessons. So I have cut a  lot out of the Shiat that has happened but this last chapter is what did the final push.

I got out of my funk this spring and was like yo lady... get your head out of la la land and get your shit together, you have almost reached your goals, so get them THEM you can do whatever you want, so i pulled up my pants . Ladies pull those pants up cuz it does wonders. Minus the camel toe. My best friends moved up, SWEET, I hiked the dogs everyday, my new co workers I had to train (yah me, wtf?!), were catching on and we all get along, weather was perking up, bike on the road, feeling good about my body, funk -- GONE! (minus the body thing really, I can look good, or bad as well, but the inside was never truly happy :( ). Anyways  with those pants up I caught a mans attention, he was wasted (does that count?!), and had this wway to big, where are your lips kind of beard  and a tie dye t shirt on. Not so much into it at the moment, hidden faces and wastedness don't really jive. Whatever, I left with my friends that night, it was a DOOZY, my roommate got his nose pretty much broken, because hes broken and made a dumb mistake and doesn't even know what happened to this day and ya, crazy things happened. Next time I went to open mic and  the bearded man was there, and I had drunken a bottle of wine, still not honestly interested.... but I was happy drunk and was glad to see his friendly self and asked, "why didn't you call me?!?!??!!". anyways  lol..., we got talking, hanging out, he was so beautiful inside and out, I just couldn't see it at first through alcohol and a whole above neck mask of hair. He actually made me nervous with his awesome personality. Para attack firefighter from a far away land, clearly going to leave. CLEARLY. I rolled with it though and we hung out and made each other way more happy then I think either one of us could have imagined. Ass over tea kettle for this one, but just in case he reads this, I am not going to go on and inflate anything.

We have a LOT in common, and a lot of things to be learned, or got learned from each other, I really appreciate the things he is interested in, very fascinating and he is a man who knows what he wants and when he wants it, and is a world wide traveller. We rode bikes (motorized obviously!) together, I helped him a little with some riding, he already knew but I was just so stoked to have him interested, that we shared and enjoyed each other's information on bikes and riding. I have been longing for someone to do that with for so long, instant happiness. The things we did and the company we shared made my summer . 
I guess at the end of the summer and his last two days the women in me was screaming out "why don't you just invite me to leave this place, take me with you, lets meet in central America, why don't you feel the same?!", but I did have a flood of emotions his last two days it was pretty intense, and unfortunately through honesty and dishonesty, I realized this happens, has happened, and is happening. I knew it was coming, and def didn't expect to be completely crushed momentarily, but I may or may not be not in his future because simply,  he doesn't have a foreseeable one, whatever happens to him will happen in the moment. And I do appreciate that. Some people wish they could do that! It is a positive thing.  My moments will come to, I am almost done here, and have the ability to do what I want when I want to, I can travel, visit, or choose to be happy or un-happy, strong, beautiful or ugly. I am 26 years old, I'm not old, but now I have experience and I know the roller coaster when it goes up it must come down and make its way to the top again. And I am done with feeling un-healthy because I might be some kind of mutant (not going to lie, his surfing ways has pushed me to surf again, and to do that I need my chest back in order, the ocean means to much to me, I shouldn't have waited this long!), and un-happy because I chose to be in a different place then everyone else, or because I got lied to, or lied to someone, or someone doesn't like me, or I don't like what I am surrounded by... I put myself in all those positions, the goods and the bads. So how does that make sense? It doesn't.... exactly ;)

My Body and my Mind has taken a BEATING (I've beaten a few myself), and a lot of loving, I am lucky women...in more ways then one. So on top of being recently inspired, happy, crushed, lied too, someone to confide in and hold secrets, a sister figure, a lover... and finding out today I have a what is hopefully a benign cyst in my left breast, and not a tumor...based on an ultrasound and testing that wont happen for a whole week, I AM GONNA MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THIS LIFE, finally,make the transformation I have been waiting for... today was your history lesson. Tomorrow begins the cleanse.


Healthy Body, Healthy Mind. If I can do it, anyone can. I will send you photos everyday of our diet change, exercising habits, lifestyle changes (healthy choices), and I expect some hard times of not having a drink with friends, one cheat night once a week is aloud. No beverages on any other night, no poisonous substances down the hatch, a 30 day yoga challenge, and all honesty on deck. I have not really explained everything that is involved yet, but it will get weeded out everyday.


Family if there is something you did not want to hear, don't be upset, just embrace it and know that from now on things will be amazing and I will be treating my body as the temple it should be treaten as :) The next adventure begins and I am already so happy to get all these things off my "chest", hopefully literally ahhaha!

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. (PLUR)